"Look for me when the sun-bright swallow sings upon the birch bough high. But you are in the ground with the voles and the weevils all a'chew on your bones so dry...
But oh, my love, though our bodies may be parted though our skin may not touch skin, look for me with the sun-bright sparrow I will come on the breath of the wind..."
Its that time of year again.
This is when things seem happy and sad at the same time. Its the holidays. But the holidays are often a lonely affair at my house it seems. I have this wish that my whole family, aunts, unlces, and cousins, could all be together. That we could cook turkey and stuffing and bake cookies and all eat together at the table like we used to a few years ago before we lost the people at whose table we sat. So now its jst my immediate family that gathers. But in a few years, I doubt we'll even have that.
Someone once told me I was an old soul. And that I had spent my many past lives with my soul mate, an equally old soul. She said we had always been reincarnated with one another, so we could always be together. She said we were going to meet again soon. Very soon, and that I'd be taken by him immediately. She said though, that in another life, I met him, but I also met a new soul, one who was exciting and instilled the passion in me that I have for old Jane Austen romance novels, adventure, and other ancient, beautiful, and tragic things. That in this life time, it could go either way when it came to love. An old soul. Or this new soul. But I lost him already in this life. So she said I must wait. That I'd meet him again later, but that I need to wait now for the old soul now, who I was meant to be with.
Part of me wants this to be true. I want to meet this man, my 'soul mate'. Because I want to know that I have a set destination out there for me. That I'll have a family one day. Everyone wants to feel that way, I know. But I want company. I wish I could have a seperate Thanksgiving and Christmas, one with all my friends present because I just want to feel that love during the holidays. I want to have my own family one day, and I want holidays to be packed at my house, with too many people running around, and the smell of so much food baking that no one could possibly eat it all, and everyone laughing and talking and smiling. I want all my friends in one place, to be happy with them, to catch up, hear their stories and feel happy and surrounded by people. Instead of people missing the ones we are now living without. Instead of wishing that the family that I do actually have wasn't so far away, or so distant in other ways... I want the kind of holidays you see on tv. Where everyone dresses up, and just is happy to be together and to have one another. Like in A Charlie Brown Christmas when Charlie Brown gets all of the gang together and its not perfect, they end up on lawn chairs and eating popcorn as the main dish, but they are together, and thankful. And in the Christmas special, they all decorate the tree. Why can't we do that?
So I'm compling a list. And hopefully it will fulfill some of these silly holiday wishes I have. So when you all keep asking me what I want for Christmas, I'll actually have a good answer now. Things like, we have to bake cookies together, or decorate a tree together, or have a family meal with all of our friends. Have a holiday party with secret santa and we all have to dress nice. The little things. I just want the little things this year. I want you all, all of my friends, all of my family. I want you here.
