I, Joan of Algonquin

I, Joan of Algonquin...

Why do people have families? People fall in love and get married. They procreate, but why? To have more mouths to feed? To spend thousands upon thousdands of dollars that they could otherwise use for materialistic things? Or is it because its a sacred bond that ties two people together when they create a valuable life all on their own. This child (or children) is their legacy, not just in blood or name, but in values, right? Thats why people do it, to have the wonderful experience of raising a human being into adulthood, teaching them the ways of the world and passing on generations of experience, right? To populate the earth...?
Well that shouldn't be the case. What is normal in a family? What makes a family disfunctional or functional? Why do some families have that great bond, they are so close to each other and others are distant and continueously hurt each other? Why can't we all have the perfect balance like in Pride and Prejudice? Or in Everybody Loves Raymond? Or do we already have that, we just fail to see it? Growing up and visiting friends' houses, I have seen a lot of different families. Some I actually envy. But whose to say any family is better than another, or whats right and whats wrong when raising kids? You can only know what you want, and maybe, just maybe one day you will find one person who feels and wants the same as you do. Some one to balance you out, and someone who will project all good things onto a family of your own. We can only hope to be that lucky. But when it comes right down to it, everyone has difficulties when it comes to family. I'm talking blood related family here. No matter how wonderfully close and respectful and appreciative a family may seem, there is always something that caused them to be that way. And the same goes for the opposite; the families who seem a bit too disfunctional, abusive, or even just indifferent towards each other all have something that causes them to have become that way. I admire the families, meshed of great people, the kind of people you wish you could be, who take the worst things thrown at them and turn it into a strong bond that will forever hold them together no matter what the future holds. If you have ever wached the shoe Joan Of Arcadia, you know what I mean. If not please please watch this clip,  its a show about a girl who everyone thinks is crazy because she 'sees' god. But really, God does appear to her. Her brother got in a car crash and is now in a wheel chair. The dad has depression problems and is an athiest. But they are so close, agaisnt everything, they love each other and its the best show ever made. Watch it. Its off air and only had 2 seasons, but still.

So yes. Don't we all wish we could take our flaws, or problems and tragedies and turn them into blessings? I do, I'll admitt that I don't always do that, even if I want to, but I try, and often times I fail. Maybe I go about it the wrong way, but is there a right way? Is there a correct way for a family to act? All I can ask of my parents is to support me in what I do, give me food and shelter and a loving environment. Also, that they give me a reason to someday want a familyof my own. But when bad things happen to good people, thats a little too much to ask for all the time. People do one of two things in tough times, they close off from each other, they blame each other and never get anywhere. Or they connect somehow, in  a way that doesn't really make it ok, it just makes the difficulties easier. I can't change what my family is; we are a mix quite definitely. We act both ways at different times, and maybe I'm selfish or ungreatful, but I wish we could turn things to our advantage easier. I wish God would come to me in the form of a punk skater kid and tell me to by a lamp from a garage sale which would create a chain of events that makes everyone around me find hope and comfort in each other. But I don't think that will happen, I'm not in a tv show. But why can't I be more like Joan? More tolerant of my differences with the rest of my family? Why can't I be more hopeful, I like to consider myself a selfless person, but there has to be more I can do, if not for my immediate family, then maybe at least for others. Why can't I help others struggling with their family's way of coping in the face of trouble step aside and see a lighter version of the problem? Why, why, WHY?! Because I'm not trying hard enough. Plain and simple. So try harder. I, Joan of Algonquin will do my best to complete the task at hand, my mission not only relating to my faith, but also to my obligation as a person to help others as well as myself. I'm not a saint, but I'm not worthless, I can help in my own way. Even if that just means eventually having good natured children that I can release into the world in the far and distant future. Thats why I think we should have families. Not to make ourselves any less lonely, or becuase its just the next step in your life. But because you have a belief, you have faith strong enough that it led you to do what is right throughout your whole life, it brought you into positions where you can really help another person, and now you can instill that into someone of your own blood, someone that you can fully love without any conditions, you can give that child a good home, love, and morals that will guide them to help others. And I can only hope that I'll have the coping mechanisms of a saint, that I may use any misfortune as an opportunity to relieve sorrow from others and to bring my own future family closer, because family is a sacred bond, it should be a bond that ties you together forever. Its the marking of real love, its the greatest gift you can give to someone, but it comes with a challenge. A challenge that we need God to help overcome, a challenge God wants us to overcome, thats why we can have families in the first place. So lets all, channel our inner Joans.

So I have been thinking a lot about writings and how mine have changed over time. I have said before that I'm a closet writer. But this year I joined a club called writing club. I really thought it would improve my writing skills, allow me to be more outgoing and share my work with others. So I began to love this club. I really did for a while. Until it turned south and I found myself dreading it. I ended up quitting and I was pretty bummed because I thought now I wouldn't get to learn about new ways to write and improve. But I know how to write. I taught myself, I sit and I write. And don't let anyone tell you what you do is no good, because you are writting for yourself, not for them. As long as whatever you create, whether its poetry, stories, music or art, as long as its honest and comes from your real feelings, no one can tell you that its right or wrong. I don't need approval from strangers who read my work. Sure feedback is great but whatever I write is satisfying as long as I feel that it portrays the point and emotion I was going for. I love to write lyrics and full songs but they are usually kind of dark. But lately I haven't been able to write. Why? Because I don't have anything dark to write about. So, I sat down to write a happy song. First, here is my song from earlier this year:

I'm low on serotonin but its hardly got the best of me
I listened to her talk about typewriter keys, polaroids and a boy I once sang for
A melody incomplete, to keep him locked away, but it was him who got me.

And life was simpler for you
Before you were driving cars
When we'd talk on those phones with long, curly wires
And my feelings stayed in their routine
In time with the seasons
Now all I can say is you acted like a child that day
And now your name has been changed
All to protect your identity, and how its not wirth a thing

You were mostly self-employed
While I was up to my knees in kotachrome
And I tried to throw everything I owned out my parents' front door
I painted my self the color of your soul
I washed out the rainbow

And her ghost was there
Staring me down in the form of air
Everywhere I went, dragging her around
Facing the picture frames down
Two days later and you were gone.
Sulking around at that party
Well you were invited, I was not
No, their sign told me to keep out
You know why they want you now
You are
You blend
Into everything and anyone you or they or I want you to be
So who are you today?
As seen on t.v

So its time I stay clear of you
And when you gave me back
I found out I always leave with more things than I'd had
So when serotonin falls in love with one season
the others are bound to leave you mad.

Yeah. Now this is what I can write now:

"Honey, I'm fine"
And the sunflowers block my veiw
Sending messages from me to you
And the prisms shine through
Displaying his face and yours
on this stranger's bleached, sundrenched porch.
"Honey, I'm fine"
And its all overgrown
Like kudzu in june
Statues loom
Their eyes on you
"Honey, I'm fine"
As 5 come through
Your breathing, your stomache, your white feathered spirit.
Pitted for favor and pitied forever
Drowning in liquor
My only grandfather
Hearts preserved in Amber
Lying like chrystals
"Honey, I'm fine"
As the rickety door slams
Leaving Dave with his head in his hands
Small animals scatter, an angle's laughter
You are a healer
A new soul's adventure
Cocooned forever, one is another
"Honey, now I'll be fine"


I feel like the experience I got out of that club was that I don't need to please others with my work, I please others in different ways. My art can be for me and me alone, unless I choose to share it. Who are any of us to judge art in any form? Its expression. I open my work to the world in hopes that it will stir emotion in some ways, isn't that everyone else's goal? If we are all trying to reach that same goal, why put other artists down? Even if they are Justin Beiber. His work means a lot to people, so who am I to say its bad? I have even been beating myself up about my art projects for school, convinced that since I get a B on them that they aren't good enough, even if I'm genuinly proud of them when I turn them in. Thats wrong, finding the balance between form and passion is hard in art but you should never loose your creativity or love for what you're doing. Don't be afraid or unsatisfied with your work EVER, because it comes from you and that means more than any critic or grade. Everyone has the right to their opinion and sometimes its great to hear them, but I draw a line when  it comes to my music; I'll take your opinion into consideration but I will not change myself or my art for you. I may never be a professional musician or artist or celebrated poet, but hey, being involved in those things serves as a release for me, so I'll continue to do it even if others don't like it.

Without Music, Life Would Be A Mistake

      Ok, here it is. I knew this would come sooner or later, my blog about Conor Oberst. But its not just about him! Its also about music in general and what its done for me. This artistic genius, this boy wonder musical prodigy, this unnaturally talented man changed my life, for better or for worse. I first heard him in August 2005 while driving on a road trip to Pennsylvania with the family, and I hated him, he sounded like a whinny guy who put random words together creating nonsense and had an awful voice. But I was nine, so I hadn't really discovered folk music yet, or indie for that matter. But in the spring of fourth grade the radio played a song from his next album that would be released in April sometime. I was in the car with my dad driving to softball, my dreams set on becoming a pro outfielder. But the song, Four Winds, was turned up and I fell fast and hard. And that was that, never went back. The lyrics, the orchestra, the voice, everything caught me in a trance that I stayed in for about 5 years. All I wanted to be involved in was music. I learned piano, guitar, took classes, read books, watched countless tutorials and was overwhelmed with the idea of it being me on the stage performing my own songs. Seeing Conor Oberst in concert was like a dream and in the moment, I thought it was the place I was truly happy. But for you non-Conor-listeners (or even to indie music in general) its incredibly deep and dark, and like so many artists have said, Gotye for instance "...you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness...". Its completely true, the sad music made me happier than anything else, and thats fine, but it can get out of hand. Great music comes out of the deepest of emotions, in my opinion pain or suffering is the best inspiration, and thats what you need to write music like I was listening to. There was no balance, it was always sad music all the time, even when I wasn't sad. So, if I wanted to be a great musician like Conor Oberst, I would have to end up like that too, right? Self destructive and half insane. Well, that seemed a little unappealing to me. I countered that with the thought that if I hadn't listened to Conor, then I would have never found music, I wouldn't be able to relate to artists or even art in general. I know thats not true now though. I saw an interview with Conor that made me dislike him in a way that my other Conor Fan Friends didn't understand. He talked about drugs, doing hard drugs, and having to get wasted each time he gets on stage, he talked about how negativity seems to follow him, and just watching the video made me depressed for him. He said that even from his childhood, he knew he'd end up all broken and alone. WHAT???!! Thats not how I want to live. Ever. Thats not helping yourself or anyone, I realized Conor was supplying me with all things needed to wallow in undeserved and unreasoned self pity. I had no reason to be sad like him, its one thing to relate to his music but its another to be completely obsessed and absorbed in it. I didn't want to give that to people, the whole reason I wanted to be a musician or artist was to help people, show them that they aren't alone and there is always someone going through or thinking the same thing as you. But I don't think I could do that. So I began to think. How could I help people in that way, while still incorporating my love of music and art into it? And then we had a guest speaker at school. He was a councilor at a medical facility specializing in depression, eating disorders and substance abuse problems. I talked with him afterwards and he told me how rewarding it is to help these people realize whats out there and how to be happy and healthy. I was inspired by him and went home to research. What I came up with was information on counseling and art and music therapy and what it can do for struggling teens. Jobs at counseling facilities which would involve therapy sessions with the teens but also art projects, interactive music lessons and programs, taking them out on outings like hikes or picnics, all which are proven to help with disorders that are picked up throughout the teenage years. And I am still excited about it, I found that the more I talked about it, the more other people became interested in it as well. It seems like the perfect career and I wouldn't have ever come up with it if I hadn't listened to the Conor Oberst song in the car that spring almost six years ago. All the events, the people who have helped me understand this conclusion to start to reach this goal were put into motion from my love of music. Music showed me what I wanted by telling me all the things I didn't want, so thank you very much, Conor Oberst for putting your music out there, for me to realize that I love it but its not how I want to live. Its given me my own little peak at eternity. Some credit also goes to my dad for introducing me to music at a young age. Without it, I wouldn't have the outlook on life that I have now and I couldn't be more excited for the rest of my life.