Take Me There

this is what i think about sometimes and don't say out loud.

 This is how i've felt.

this is where i want to be.

 Enough said.
Take me there.

In a show called Reaper, a young man has to collect escaped souls for the devil in order to free his own soul that his parents unknowingly sold before his birth. In said show, the depict the DMV as the earthly connection and passage to hell. I always thought that was funny. But recently, I found out that that is far from the truth.
I've been to the DMV. It's not that bad.
Lab Corp.
The drug testing center of America.
Never go there.
Ever.
If a job ever requires you to get tested, quit right then and there.
It was one of the worst days of my life.
That might be a little dramatic. I mean the worst kind of average day. The kind of day where you spill all over your new shirt or get a nose bleed while talking to the boy you like or flunking a test (all of which have classified as worst average days of my life). Not the kind of day where you mentally fall apart because your life has been abruptly changed for the worse. This day, Lab Corp day was a bad, bad day.
It started with having to cancel plans with a friend. I had a doctors appointment and a drug test. The driving distance would probably cause these small errands to last all day. The first doctors appointment (a simple sports physical) passed uneventfully, followed by lunch with my mom and sisters. An average day.
But then I had the drug test with mean, grumpy polish nurses who spoke too loudly. They yelled at me, making me nervous so of course, I couldn't pee. Not very original, but I just couldn't pee. So, naturally, they yelled at me some more. I couldn't pee still. They were so awful about everything, they grabbed me by my arm multiple times and quite forcefully. I'm not a criminal, I'm not there for any illegal reasons, it was merely an innocent pre-employment drug test.Yet they treated me like I had personally wronged them in some way, like my wrong actions had led me to this place, like I was guilty of something.
There were other people there who were being tested too. They scared me, I'm sorry but it's true. Maybe they were there for the same reasons as me but maybe not. They looked miserable and worn down. Their lips were white and their eyes had circles under them. And they stared. Like, unnervingly.
But then I realized I shouldn't look at them the way I was. Feeling sorry for them and afraid of them. The nurses were doing that to me. It made me feel awful. They didn't know why I was there, they just treated me bad no matter what. They judged me, and that is no one's right. I was judging these people. I came up with their life stories in my head. But truthfully, we were all in the same boat. We were all being yelled at in polish by short, blonde women, We were all peeing into a cup while 5 other people listened at the not fully closed door. It might not seem like a big deal, but those were things i had in common with these people. People I have never met, people I'll probably never speak to or ever see again. But they were people right? God's children. And therefore, they should receive my love. They don't have to earn it or deserve it, they just have it. Do as Jesus does. Jesus saved me before I was even born, he loved me before I was even thought of. As a Christian, I'm doing my best everyday to try and do what Jesus did. I try to go out and love. To heal and help anyone who needs it, to spread God's love to others. I don't usually discuss religion unless I need to. I like to listen to others discuss it though. I spread love, God's love, when I listen to what people have to say, when I'm there for them, when they need someone or even if it's just holding the door open for someone or giving a hug. I do it in the name of God while being anonymous. I want to be a good person, not just a good christian. I believe you can be a good person without being a good christian. I live by the golden rule.

Do onto others as you would have them do onto you.

I had a fall out with a good friend a few weeks ago. It hurt. And I didn't say a lot of things I wanted to say, not because they were bad things, but because I didn't want to hurt him in anymore than he already felt I had. He thinks I hurt him. He hurt me. So I am sorry if I hurt you. I'm sorry things ended the way they did. I'm sorry you said some of the things you said, because it can't be taken back. I forgive you, but now I feel like I know better than I used to. But I'm done being angry. Your words stick with me. They make me sad. But you didn't loose my love. You didn't loose it because you could have never ever earned it. It was just given to you. As it should have been. There is nothing you could do that would cause me to take away that love, I hope you know that. I can't be angry anymore, now I just feel hurt. But where there is love, there is healing and forgiveness. You might not want it or care even, but you have it. Everything that happened that night was awful. But it was human, I don't think it was right, but it happened and it can't be taken back so what's the point in staying mad at you? You are a person, just like me and those people at Lab Corp. Those nurses might have been having a bad day, you might have been having a bad day that night. We are all in he same boat, aren't we? Trying to live and make it through day to day. I didn't like the way the nurses treated me, but so what? I can only learn from that experience. It sounds corny but Jesus loves them so so should I, Jesus lives inside them so I need to treat them as if I were faced right then and there with Jesus himself. Besides, they help me get my job by proving that I'm drug free. They helped me and now they are done being a part of my life. You helped me. But I guess it was you who wanted to be done being apart of my life. I can accept that. If that's what you think is best.

The day I went to Lab Corp was not a good day but it taught me a lot. The night I went to talk with you was not a good night but it taught me a lot. It was one of the worst nights. But it was a test. I hope you know that I'm sorry for whatever I did, but I just don't understand still what caused any of it. What did I do to lose your love?
I am not perfect. But I try to be a person I'd like to know.
I'm glad I knew you.
Bye.


Oh, and Cindy deserves a shout out. I love you too!!!

Better Late Than Never?

Well. Unexpected. That's all I can say about you.
I'm not really sure what to feel.
Are we a thing?
I hate that term.
Are we dating?
One date, and the car broke down and nearly left us stranded on Randall.
I was trying to act calm, but you knew I was freaking out.
And then we saw a movie and sat too close and it made me wonder what we were doing.
And then you and I went to the mall and sat at the fountain.
Slowly, our feet made their way in.
Then our legs.
Then our bodies.
And are you serious?
Dance in a fountain?
Okay.
And then you put your arm around me and kissed my forehead.
And then my mouth.
And then my mind went like this:
He kissed me.
Oh my gosh.
That shouldn't have happened.
Why not?
There's nothing wrong with that.
He's so cute.
But relationships, they go like this for me:
I like you.
Wow, this is actually happening.
Do I really want this?
Yes.
No.
Yes.
No.
Maybe?
I hate people.
I want to love people.
What is everyone going to think?
I'll ask.
I'll only tell my BEST friends.
Okay, well they're all my best friends so I have to tell each of them.
Some of them like the idea.
Some don't.
Most do.
Which makes me then over think.
Oh no.
What did I get myself into?
Don't be more invested than he is.
I really like him.
I need to break up with him.
Why?
I just do.
Start a stupid fight.
I never talk to him the same way again.


It's all too teenage to handle.


When you went to hold my hand I made it severely awkward.
Not on purpose.
I'm just like that and you'll have to wait for me to grow comfortable enough around you for me to act completely natural.
I've told you things I don't tell people often.
We were friends.
I hope we still can be even if more is added to our relationship.
We went down to the lake and made bird calls.
Only with you would I end up doing that.
We talked about serious stuff on the way home.
College.
Work.
Family.

This is how it went:

Are you going to tell your family?
Tell them What?
About us.
Well I guess. I told them we were just friends though. I guess we were.
Well now that's different, right? You should tell them. I'd like to meet them. And do the whole interview thing with your Dad.
*Gulp*Yeah... Okay. If I get that job, we'll be working right next to each other.
I'll come visit you.
*Is seriously happening???* And I'll visit you.


You may never know this, but at that moment the freshman girl inside of me was jumping up and down.
I had it bad for you back then.
Like, walk-out-of-my-way-in-the-hallway-to-see-you even though a junior like you probably would only ever want to be friends.
So I gave up sophomore year on my hopes.
And one day you came and sat down next to me at lunch and just stayed everyday after that and my heart skipped a beat and I thought you had sat at the wrong table by accident.
We can at least be friends, I thought.
And then today happened and whoa.
Unexpected. That's all I can say.
But maybe I can also say I like you.
Here typing.
Because I'm supposed to be honest, right?
And I have a hard time being honest about my feelings.
Or showing affection or even speaking it around people.
Or just out loud.
Or letting people know.
Especially my family.
I know some of my family reads this.
So... That's my way of showing that maybe I can get over my weird fear of people knowing my emotions for you.

You kissed me in front of my sister.
That was big for me.
It's stupid but wow.
I don't do that.
I have never ever been brave enough to let people see me kiss.
It makes me second guess my feelings.
When they're all out in the open for everyone to see.
And I won't lie, after you left I freaked out.
But I can't sleep now.
So I've been thinking.
You're going to be in college come September.
I don't know if this will last that long.
But I'm willing to give this a shot?
I'm usually not so good at relationships.
Really actually I'm pretty bad.
I'll have to tell you about him.
It wouldn't be fair not to.
I'll probably have to tell other things too.
I guess that's how this works.

You kissed me.
And we'll have a lot to sort out given the circumstances.
But...
I guess it's better late than never.
Right?

It's Their Story, Not Mine Anymore.

It's about a boy named Graham Harris. He shares his story with a girl named Ella Mentry. The movie we are making and all talking about is their story.

Graham:
is a boy. And his first love, Mar, drowned when he wasn't there. And now he sees her ghost. He does things like volunteer at libraries and at public places, as assistants to struggling companies and independent musicians. He does it to keep a busy life. To keep from thinking about Mar. But then he meets Ella. And he falls hard for her, but struggles with his remaining loyalty to Mar. But there is also this song. It's called Marie Antoinette Discovers Plaid. And Ella's friends become Graham's friends. And they want to do everything mentioned in the song. Like stand still for an hour. Put something into space. Make a feast out of cupboard supplies. Build a shelter for a storm. Paint themselves a new color. They want to prove they are as free as the song says they could be. But trying so hard might push problems away. Until everything blows up.

Ella:
is a girl. And her brother Jacob died. He had luekemia. And once that happened, her parents divorced and remaired and had more children with different spouces that didn't have cancer. And so what about Ella? She won't talk about things. She has a strict policee of only talking about nothing. She rollerblades everywhere. She paints. She plays ukulele in a band called the Lesbian Bondage Fiasco. And the boys fall hard for her. But she has a hard time falling for anyone. She doesn't push them away, or act uninterested or play hard to get. She just does what she has learned, hides her feelings. And her cautiousness is mistaken for cold-heartedness and neglect. But Graham can see through that because Graham is like Ella.


So, will they be able to fall in love or will everything get in the way? Everything meaning 'life'.

This story is really important to me. Each character reflects a part of life, not necessarily my life, but a part of a life that I have witnessed. And I tried to put that into a logical story best I could. I think it's about time that I explained where this all came from. It all started to get away from me around page 36. It became their story, Graham, Ella, Ben, Jessa, and Tom's story, not mine.
Each character is a point of veiw of some personality type that I have known. Ella is portrayed in ways that can make her seem like that girl. That girl who every guy falls for, that has them wrapped around her finger, who toys with their emotions and throws them away when she is done with them. The girl that is friends with so many guys but hardly speaks, just because all the girls hate her. We have all witnessed a girl like that. Right? But I have seen other sides to that girl. Sides that say that she has substance to her personality. That things she does, things that are taken as selfish or manipulative aren't meant to be so. That sometimes their bluntness is only honesty. They need to be given a chance or not judged so quickly.
Graham is that guy that a lot of girls probably liked but he was always oblivious to because he was so in love with that one girl, Mar that no one else ever thought was anything special. He saw so much more in her than others. And when she was torn from his life, he couldn't get over it. Even now, in love with a girl that is so different from Mar, a girl that gets him into trouble, a girl that he loves more that he ever loved Mar, he struggles with letting her death go. In time, he understands that he shouldn't "just let it go" and that it will always be apart of him. He is that guy that will love a girl until the end, and even still then if he knows it's right. He is and in-the-moment kind of guy. He wants to talk about things right now and here that Ella loves him too and do everything for her. He wants her, he wants to hug her and hold her and kiss her and know that she is his. He knows she only belongs to herself, but all he wants is his emotions to be returned. He is the guy that every girl will meet in college and be curious about, but he will be Ella's completely and that will amaze everyone that two people, so aimiable will only ever always belong to each other. They will be that couple that fits together like a jigsaw puzzel. That relationship that everyone wants.
Ben is that guy that thinks there is only one girl for him, Ella. And Ella only ever wanted to be friends. But she isn't ignorant to his intentions. She just blocks them over and over again, letting him know that he is only a friend. She is honest with him from the start. Ben is the guy that needs to realize he doens't love the girl he thinks he does, he needs to realize that he isn't what's most important to her but the fact hat he is apart of her life should be enough if he truly loves her in some way.

 Can they all make it through the summer?

Can I?

This movie will be the death of me I swear. But it might just be the glue that is holding us all together. Don't you think so? It makes me sad, seeing the two of them like this. It makes me sad to see her so at ends with your emotions. It maked me sad to see him so unsure of himself, so hard on himself. It makes me sad to see him try to hide what he is really feeling and his distance and conflict with his best friend. It makes me sad to act like we're in love when we're not. Because "...this is not about love. And I am not in love, in fact I can't stop falling out..." Because Graham is a guy that I would love. But the actor playing Graham is not. He is not that person to me. He is a great friend and a great actor. He is a person who is going through a lot and I'm trying to help. So acting like I love him and he loves me hurts another girl. It's not real. I know it and he knows it and she knows it. It's only acting. It won't pull us apart, it will just test our limits.
And one cast member has already been lost. I don't really know what to say on that topic. Except that it was an unfortunate ending.
I'm sorry to any cast members that I nag about their characters, it's just I feel like I know them so well and I hope that the story is portrayed by them exactly (or at least as close to) how I imagined them. I just spent so long contemplating whether or not I even want to set this into motion.
See, I spent a lot more time than people realized when it came to casting.
Why Danny for Graham?
He looks the part, he can act the part well. And he joined drama club his junior year? But he has never gotten a lead, and I've always been surprised by that. I thought he had the potential, and seeing him now, I know he has the potential. It's wonderful, to see such talent emerge and show itself from this modest guy who always talks about how honored he is to have this role. Danny, I'm honored that you agreed to play Graham because I can honestly think of no one I'd rather act beside these nest few weeks.
Why Tom for Tom?
Because your character is the basis for you. My you. I love you and you know that. Ella subtly mentions Tom in most of her scenes, about how as family he is always there for her no matter what, and that even if their relationship seems subtle to outsiders, they are the only two that truly understand the depth. Tom, you apear in my life less than I would like. You are that one person I feel like I can always go to. You tell it to me straight! You always tell me "in a relationship, you are the classic example of a bitch who wants the guy to be theirs but doesn't want the guy to say you are his." It is totally true and I love you for your honesty and I'm not sure I can say that about anyone else. You give great advice and I don;t know what I'd do without you. You provide insight to my crazy rants or when I'm freaking out at 3 in the morning. I want you to know, I will do the same for you. I want you to feel how I feel, like you have someone to go to. I'm always here. Our relationship is protrayed through Ella and Tom as family because I consider you apart of my family. Family is the people you love, not just relation by blood. I say I love you and I meant it even if you can't say it back. You are one of my best friends. Don't ever underestimate yourself.
Why Kaitlin for Jessa?
Kaitlin. My dear dear Kaitlin. How long have you known each other? 11 years? But how long have we known each other? About a year? And I wanted you to play Ella because of the Danny situation, but he brought a new light to the idea. It would not be a good idea for him and his girlfriend (at the time) to fake a chemistry that they didn't have. Completely understandable. But now Danny and I are faking chemistry and how is that different? Its different because our chemistry is as friends. Your chemistry is as natural as people in general. As a couple, as friends, as people. You get along, you loved each other more than I have seen between two people at your ages. And Ella and Graham aren't you. You two are perfect now, even if there are problems. And I don't know if your relationship could withstand that type of faking because, for me at least, the dialogue is all too real. So I cast you as Jessa. Jessa and Graham get along, they stand up for each other and instantly hit it off. They are honest and can pull off the friendship that most guys and girls couldn't. They have perfect chemistry, just like the two of you. And I know how much the situation is killing you but now, I think this is for the best. You working on the friend thing now, and I'm hoping that having you act it for the movie will help you both apply it to real life. I hope that he can go to college and keep your relationship as friends. I hope it all works out because being so close to both of you, I feel like your worries are mine. I want nothing but happiness for you two and I know you are a great actress and will be a great V.P for Drama Club.
Why Rachel for Mar?
You are always behind the scenes. Girl, it's time to get a taste of the spotlight. You are the highest ranking member of drama club at Jacobs and you deserve a role better than any role I could ever make for you. But I hope this will suffice.
Why Aubrey for Regan?
You are such a great actress and I really am honored that you actually want to be involved in this! I would love to be closer to you. And you will be playing one of my best friends so it will be fun!
Why Lisa for Claire?
You do so much for this movie, I can't even explain. Filming is better, much more fun on days that you are there. I wish I had a bigger role to give you. But alas, this is what I can do. You are an astounding, complelling actress and a great friend. So I know you will have no trouble portraying Claire.
Why my friends for Ella's friends?
They are apart of me, a huge part and this film is keeping me from them. It takes up so much time, time that I could be with them. But they have been so understanding and supportive. So intersted in the process and wanting to be apart of it that I really couldn't ask for a better group of people.
And why me for Ella?
I am not a great actress, no modesty there, just truth. But I know these characters better than anyone, its from my head. And it is so important to the story line that Ella's character is played just right. Not that I think I'm the actress best equiped to take on such a role, no way, it's just that I know her best and have this idea in my head of how she should act and I can't explain it very well to others so I'm afraid I won't get the point across.

I know this is just a silly little project. But it's so much more than that to me. I'm so particular and aware of details when it comes to this movie I'm making. So forgive me if I'm going crazy or acting weirf even off set, but I'm literally obsessing. It's always on my mind, or at least in the back of my mind. It needs to live up to my standards, to everyone else's expectations. So thanks for being here and putting up with me everyone. I love you all, I know whoever is reading this is someone I love. I want you to know that I'm aware of the support I'm given, even if I don't always show it, but I love you and wish the best for you. Be patient with me, that's all I need, and I know you all are, so thank you. I am as free right now as I ever need to be, unlike my characters, I do not need to chase down the idea of freedom through the words of others. I have found it in all of you who love and support me.