Thursday, August 23, 2012

Sneak Peak

This is a little story I have been writing.


Niebieski

 

When a flower blooms, it is perfect. It is opening up to the day as if completely cleansed, though it’s not at the beginning of its life and has already passed through many stages, it is now pure again. It will be facing new challenges and struggling for survival. It will be blemished and the delicate petals that surfaced at the bloom will be penetrated in some way or another. It will never be as pure as it was in that one state. But some seeds or buds never make it to the blossoming stage. There can be nothing as perfect as that new bud opening up and finally being something more beautiful than before, finally reaching its peak and potential. When it was just a bud it was pure and young, but it wasn’t at its prime, it was merely getting started and had no idea the hardships and changes it would face, it wasn’t self-aware. But how could it have been? It’s still imperfect as a bud, there is still a chance for it to fail, but it isn’t until the bloom that those imperfections are truly seen, valued, and appreciated. They are appreciated because the bloom itself is a sign of life and it is a miracle. We are all born with original sin. We are born fresh, new to this world, but we carry a weight on our shoulders. We all reach our ‘bloom’, our ‘peak’ at different points. We reach our prime when we can wash that original sin from our bodies, when we are faced with it and expel it, when our imperfections and humanity shine through but compliment us rather than down size our potential.

The Niebieski flower blooms every evening as the sun sets. Its petals close during the lighted hours of day and open only to the night sky. They have an almost translucent look to them, yet still glow blue and sparkle along the veins of 6 foot long foliage. These flowers grow on Niebieski trees at the ends of the branches. It is a backwards photosynthesis. The Niebieski flowers are energized by the rays reflected by the moon. They are often referred to as Moon Flowers. They do not bloom just once; they bloom every night like new. So no blemish, no injury or penetration of any sort will withstand through the day time hours. By the next night, the petals and the entire flower will be pure and new. Fresh.

But not much is known about these Moon Flowers. The Niebieski Trees and flowers only grow when surrounded by Murk. Many mistake it for water but it is not. A black substance, it is lighter than water and a deep black in color. Gathered at the bottom of a Murk pond is Dust from the veins of Niebieski Flowers and when reacting with Murk, Dust will create a glow throughout the ground, returning itself to the roots of Niebieski Trees and through to the Flowers.  The process is continuous and is therefore a cycle replenishing itself. The perfect, flawless system.

The glow of a Niebieski Tree is mesmerizing. Literally. It is hard to look away from a Niebieski Tree or Flower. Even Murk is entrancing. The glow will catch your eye and you will always find yourself looking back in the direction of the Moon Flowers’ glow. Yet so little is known about these curious life forms. They have become a product of the State, a tourist attraction used to take advantage of the curiosity of people. Tour guides lead groups out to the Murk where they come to a bridge and will not carry on any further. The groups will be told it is for the environmental safety of the Niebieskies but that is a lie.

When the Niebieski Flower was first discovered an Environmental Science Professional, James Gord and his partner William B. Hensworth set out to collect samples of Murk and Niebieski bark, nectar and petals. Upon arriving at the roots of the Niebieski Tree, Hensworth noticed an insect of an unidentified species hovering around Gord’s head. Seeing the bug, Gord became interested and in the moment, all interest turned to obsession.

Hensworth described the experience as such, “Gord saw the insect. He wanted to collect it in a vile as a sample to take back to the lab; we hadn’t even gotten any of the other samples so I just started on the Niebieskies. I always like to look at those Moon flowers, and that Murk. It’s beautiful. I could look at it forever. But when I turn away I… I always forget what it was like to look at it and so I look at it again… And then it’s the same thing. I only want to look at the Niebieskies. Nothing else seems important. And since I can never remember the joy of looking at the Niebieskies once I turn away, I want to take one with me. I want to take the flowers and keep them for myself. So I picked one of the Flowers right off the branch, it didn’t come off easy but I got it. But it didn’t glow anymore… It just looked like a leaf. And that happened each time I tried to take a Flower. It just wouldn’t work… Why? I just wanted a Flower… I don’t know why I snapped out of it then but that’s when I noticed the insect and Gord was already walking towards it, un-phased by the Trees or Flowers. He just followed that bug. He kept saying ‘I know, I won’t ever get this chance again. I have to go’ and I tried to keep him from going into the woods because I kept losing sight of him. It was ghost like. He would be there one minute while I tried to get samples and then he’d be gone because he wanted to follow that damn bug. And I was still fixated on the stupid Flower and at some point he really was gone and I went back into some trance, obsessed with getting a Moon Flower until I came to back at the hospital… I don’t remember anything else that happened”

Of the 13 people that went out in the search party for Dr. Gord, only four returned. Their experiences were described quite similarly as Dr. Hensworth’s. They would become entranced by the Flowers, Murk or this insect (later named the Konec Bug). The pull of energy that draws a person to these grows weaker at a distance. Bridges along the edge of a Murk pond are just close enough to keep tourists captivated and wanting to get closer without an obsessive pull. Their eyes and thoughts will wander curiously back to the beauty of Niebieskies but it will not over power them.
                               

Tour guides leading Niebieski seeking groups are not trained extensively. Those with interest in learning more about the species have the career option of joining the NRF (Niebieski Research Foundation). Here, they go through a two week training process before they are let out alone to visit a Niebieski Tree and witness the bloom of a Flower. This is a test and to pass it, one must return. Once a member of the NRF, you will participate in monthly outings to Niebieski Trees and Murk ponds where people have been reported missing. The mission of your group is to find evidence of what might have happened. Today, no more than 650 people are members of the NRF in the entire world. I am one of them. The details of my experience with Niebieskies are irrelevant to my story however, all incidents I have witnessed seem miniscule when next to the Group 17 Incident.

Tour groups go through waiting periods before they may be accepted into our system and permitted to see a Niebieski Flower, some travelers come to see the Flowers again and again. But there is a limit. In order to prevent obsession and casualties, the NRF conducts personal surveys on all those wishing to apply for entrance into a tour group. They are asked to answer questions that will give us an idea of their personality and will power. They are put into groups with others that will complement their personality type and with a specialist tour guide trained in dealing with them.

I am a Raske Tour Guide. I real with Raske, or difficult personality types. These are the people who are determined usually to get closer to the Niebieskies and will push their limits, the people who are strong willed but easily lead astray by curiosity. Group 17 was my Raske tour group I led out to the Niebieski fields. I don’t remember the date of the tour or what I was wearing or even the names of the people in my group, but I remember their backgrounds from the survey.

Four people were in my group, Raske Groups usually have the smallest numbers. A girl with soft blonde hair and freckles was in this group. She couldn’t have been older than seventeen. A big man, muscles excentuated through his tight shirt, stayed by her side most of the tour though their records showed they’d never met before. A brown haired boy, around nineteen carried around a pencil and paper, scribbling away madly and taking notes, interrupting me to add in his own facts about Niebieskies. And the last member was David, I remember his name because he was my trainee, a young, nervous man of about 25 who was going through NRF training.
 
 
Tune in later for more!!!!

Monday, August 13, 2012

One Sunday Morning

This is how I tell him
Oh, but it's long
One Sunday Morning
Oh, one son is gone.
I can see where it's dawning
Over the sea
My father said what I had become
No one should be.
Outside I look lived in
Like bones in a shrine
How am I forgiven?
Oh I'll give it time.
In silence without warning
Holding my brow
In time he thought I'd kill him
But I didn't know how.
I said it's your God I don't believe in
No, your Bible can't be true
Knocked down by the long life
He cried out, I fear what waits for you.
I can hear those bells
Spoken and gone
I feel if I feel well
Now he knows he was wrong.
I am cold for my father
Frozen underground
Jesus I wouldn't bother
He belongs to me now.
Something sad keeps moving
So I wandered around.
I fell in love with the burden
Holding me down.
Bless my mind, I miss
Being told how to live.
What I learned without knowing
How much more I owe
Than I can give.
This is how I tell him
Oh, but it's wrong
One Sunday morning
One son is gone
Wilco

I can't explain how much I will miss you, Ally. I love you so much. I say it a lot, but I mean it more than I can explain. I'm so angry that you are being taken away from me. But I'm happy for you, I'm excited for you, getting to go off and live these new adventures that you deserve. But I'm scared to be left here. Because I don't know if I will be able to handle things as well as you. I'm so scared. I'm going to feel so lost without you. I love you so much, you model who I am more than you realize. It hurts to see you go. But you have earned this, you will be happy, and so that makes a part of me happy. But I'm selfish, and I'll want you here. I know that can't happen. So have fun, please, for me. Enjoy it. I love you.

I can't explain how much I will miss you, Michael, Danny, Rachel, and Tom.
You guys are... I don't even know. I'll miss you like crazy and I already feel lonely and sad without you at school. But like Ally, I'm excited for you. But I want you to come back. I'm not ready for you guys to leave me yet, I've been trying to prepare all summer but it's only made me closer to you. I love you all. So much more than I can say in this blog. And I wish I could articulate it but I can't. Just know that I do care about yo all. You've done so much for me, things I can't repay you for, things I wish I could explain. But I just can't. All I can say is thank you. For everything. For this summer, for the lessons and for your friendship. I experienced a kind of friendship this past year that I had never before. So I really wish the best for all of you in life. Just please, don't forget about me.

Tom. Oh, Tom. Seriously, I better get calls every week. I will be visiting you at least once a month. When you come home, I expect visits. We WILL NOT lose touch. You are one of my best friends. Ever. I mean that. I have told you everything. I can't say that about a lot of people. You are actually probably the only one who knows this much about me. You are such a genuine person, the best kind I will ever meet. Your personality is fun and refreshing, you're original. You are great. You know me inside and out, and I'm going to miss that. I'll miss your advice, your insight, and how I can call you and just talk whenever I need to. I'll miss the feeling I get when I can help you. You make me a better person. You are funny. You are the best. I just need you to know that when you leave, I'm not going to let you slip away. I care about you enough to not let that happen. You've changed my life, and I don't even care if that sounds stupid, but really. You are an amazing person. You are who I go to always. You will be happy. I just know it. You deserve it. You deserve the best. I feel like none of this is doing justice to you. Again, I can't artculate it. But i hope you know how great you are. Because this is the kind of thing that doesn't come around often. I feel like you are so epic, you're going to do great things. I have no doubt in my mind. This sounds so bad, but really words fail to describe the kind of person you are. Other people are going to see that though. In college, people will notice, you will have so many friends. And people are going to appreciate you. I can't wait to hear more of your stories. I am proud to call you my friend.
But I'm terrified of losing you. I lose a lot of things. You know the stories. And it's been a while since I cared about some enough to actually be this afraid of losing them. I know Ally and I will be fine, she is my sister, we will always be there for each other. You and I say we will be, but it scares me that that might not be the case always. Everyone has people who let them down, I know I'm not the only stupid teenage girl who feels this way, but that doesn't mean my fears aren't real or justififiesd. So, please, stick with me!!!!!

Being back at school, I'm seeing a lot of people. But I feel lonelier than before. The dates are approaching when I really do have to watch you guys go. I did so many things just fine before I knew all of you. But I'm a lot different now. And now I feel like I can't do anything without thinking of you all leaving, and how I'm staying here. Ahg. I'm listening to a lot of Wilco lately too so that probably doesn't help.

Don't forget about me.
Seriously.
I hope you all have as much fun at college as I did this summer with you.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The past few nights I have been out late at a local art studio and art therapy center called Artisticology. I have been honored to be selected as one of the artists working on a 10 foot piece to be displaed in the new World Class Performing Arts Center in Downtown Dundee. Apparantly this piece will be displayed for years (the director of the project said 50 years but I don't know if that's true). Architects who have worked on projects around the world (including lighting and acoustics in Versailles) are coming in to help design this building. It will be home to recording studios, art galleries, a 250 seat auditorium, etc. This place could really turn around a community, it's a great opportunity. This Friday is the Fundraiser to promote the project, 200 guests have been invited to "donate big money" and as one of the participants in the painting, I have been asked to attend to mingle and discuss witht the guests why the arts are important and talk about the new building. There will be live music, a jazz pianist from the city, vocal jazz group, dancers and improv groups. It seems like a pretty classy event. I like the people I have met while working on this. I feel so honored to be able to be apart of this. It truly is something great.
But one of the best people I've met through this is Trisha. She is the Artist and Art Therapist that I've been meeting with to plan the painting. She is like the grown up version of me in some ways. She owns her own business where she rents out space to artists, runs classes and workshops and practices art therapy with patients here and there while still keeping up with her own art on the side. That's kinda my dream. I want to have my own art studio one day. I want to be a councilor and help people through my love of art and music. And being in her studio just is so relaxing, the brick walls and unmatching chairs, old style suitcases as storage and paint everywhere is just my style. We both love mixed media art and share the same views on a lot of topics. It's another new experience, and I just love it.
We talked tonight about what it has been like for me this past month at my new job. About the moral dellemas it's caught me in, the unethical actions and behaviors of my coworkers. The strain its put me in with my family. She found herself in the same position in a job in the past and deals with patients facing the same things. And talking with her, and my dad and thinking it over myself, I realized I really am in quite a pickle.
I have only had this job for a month. But it caused me to miss out on vacation, family days, going away parties for friends, and it makes me miserable. When I met the boss, my coworkers, I liked them. I thought they were pretty vulgar, but I could handle it. But the more aquainted I've become the more I realized that this is not where I belong, in a place where everyone is treated poorly, I'm yelled at for things that aren't under my controll. I constantly feel pressured to do the wrong thing, I witness unethical behavior and feel morally conflicted. I walk on pins and needles, fearing anything I might say could get me fired. I can't ask for time off, I get held up for 2 hours after my shift ends with no pay, I work 8 and a half hour days with only a 20 minute break. On days I have to work, I feel so anxious, I hate going in. Its awful. And when I do get time with my friends, I can't even enjoy it because all I cant think about is how I'll have to go into work and be miserable. I have coworkers saying completely out of line an inapropriate things to me constantly, and here's the thing. I can handle language and vulgarity, but when innapropriate comments are directed at me, whether they be joking or not, I never react well. Maybe it's one of those things I just need to get over or whatever, but either way, I can't deal with it.
I felt trapped. I honestly had it in my mind that I couldn't just quit. What would they think of me if I quit? But then it occured to me, I don't like most of these people, if I quit, odds are I'll never see them again. Why should I care what they think? And nothing is keeping me there, I have a choice. I can leave whenever and its not up to them, it's up to me. I could quit and my misery would be over. I can get by with $20 a week from my parents. I'll budget. I babysit. And by this time, I've realized that the pros out weighed the cons and I knew it was time to end it. So I handed in my 2 week notice and I feel like I can breathe.
And then I drove over to Artisticology. I told Trisha about my little apifany and what I had done. And I painted, and had a wonderful time. And even though I have one week left I feel so happy already. I thought the job was going to give me freedom and independence but it was the opposite. Its not the commitment that I dislike, it's the work place. I learned from it though.
1.) The corporate world is not for me
2.) Never rush into anything
3.) My Dad is good at leading me to the right decisions
4.) People aren't always as good as they seem, so don't be too quick to judge
5.) You're never stuck, you can always choose to do something else. There is always another option.

So I'm still continuing my plan to be happy this year, and I think it's going pretty well. School starts up again next week. Trisha told me I can come into the studio any time I want and she will even keep me down to come in once in a while and help out when she is short on staff. I might get the chance at a babysitting job soon for a great family. I have a wonderful support system of friends and family and a budding relationship. Its time to be happy.
It's funny how things work out when you decide to let them.