Christmas. Again...

"Look for me when the sun-bright swallow sings upon the birch bough high. But you are in the ground with the voles and the weevils all a'chew on your bones so dry...
But oh, my love, though our bodies may be parted though our skin may not touch skin, look for me with the sun-bright sparrow I will come on the breath of the wind..."

Its that time of year again.
This is when things seem happy and sad at the same time. Its the holidays. But the holidays are often a lonely affair at my house it seems. I have this wish that my whole family, aunts, unlces, and cousins, could all be together. That we could cook turkey and stuffing and bake cookies and all eat together at the table like we used to a few years ago before we lost the people at whose table we sat. So now its jst my immediate family that gathers. But in a few years, I doubt we'll even have that.

Someone once told me I was an old soul. And that I had spent my many past lives with my soul mate, an equally old soul. She said we had always been reincarnated with one another, so we could always be together. She said we were going to meet again soon. Very soon, and that I'd be taken by him immediately. She said though, that in another life, I met him, but I also met a new soul, one who was exciting and instilled the passion in me that I have for old Jane Austen romance novels, adventure, and other ancient, beautiful, and tragic things. That in this life time, it could go either way when it came to love. An old soul. Or this new soul. But I lost him already in this life. So she said I must wait. That I'd meet him again later, but that I need to wait now for the old soul now, who I was meant to be with.

Part of me wants this to be true. I want to meet this man, my 'soul mate'. Because I want to know that I have a set destination out there for me. That I'll have a family one day. Everyone wants to feel that way, I know. But I want company. I wish I could have a seperate Thanksgiving and Christmas, one with all my friends present because I just want to feel that love during the holidays. I want to have my own family one day, and I want holidays to be packed at my house, with too many people running around, and the smell of so much food baking that no one could possibly eat it all, and everyone laughing and talking and smiling. I want all my friends in one place, to be happy with them, to catch up, hear their stories and feel happy and surrounded by people. Instead of people missing the ones we are now living without. Instead of wishing that the family that I do actually have wasn't so far away, or so distant in other ways... I want the kind of holidays you see on tv. Where everyone dresses up, and just is happy to be together and to have one another. Like in A Charlie Brown Christmas when Charlie Brown gets all of the gang together and its not perfect, they end up on lawn chairs and eating popcorn as the main dish, but they are together, and thankful. And in the Christmas special, they all decorate the tree. Why can't we do that?
So I'm compling a list. And hopefully it will fulfill some of these silly holiday wishes I have. So when you all keep asking me what I want for Christmas, I'll actually have a good answer now. Things like, we have to bake cookies together, or decorate a tree together, or have a family meal with all of our friends. Have a holiday party with secret santa and we all have to dress nice. The little things. I just want the little things this year. I want you all, all of my friends, all of my family. I want you here.

The Fix.

I have homework to do.
A lot.

And I'm not doing it.
Because I can hardly think straight.
So much for time management.

Seriously?
Why am I messing everything up?
EVERYTHING.
I keep hurting the people I love.

I don't mean to.

I used to live. Just live and that was all. Things were fine. Just fine. For a long time, and it was never a problem because I never knew anything else. And suddenly I was happy. I wasn’t the old way anymore, the way I had become comfortable with. I was hanging out with people who had never felt that way. People who could stay out until 4 in the morning, no questions asked. People who had freedom in ways that I had never experienced. Not just freedom and leniency in boundaries set by their parents, but also freedom inside themselves. They had their own boundaries that seemed for them, so easy to stick to. They knew their limits, but always lived them to the full extent. They had fun. They were all friends, always together. The kind of stereotypical teenagers I imagined as a kid. The kind that I never felt I grew into. And they were just good people. They were so good and being around them; it was just a new kind of emotion and experience. So I spent my summer growing more attached to them every day. And so now I feel this pull, I feel this tug inside of me now that they are gone, like they tied a rope to my rib cage and are pulling it along as they move around so far away. I spent nearly every day with them. They made me into a person I wanted to be, a person I really liked and they saw that. And if there was one thing I could do for them, it was be that person always. When they are gone. When they are here. When I’m feeling like I’m at my worse, just to turn things around and be that person. That person who is loving and caring and selfless and good. To take that bond that I finally created with my sister and always hold onto it as my support. 

To be a good person.

That’s what they wanted from me, that’s what I want desperately, so desperately to give them.

But then they left. And I met a few new people at the start of the year. And they are god people too. They mean well. But they don’t compare. But they were causal friends. They are causal friends. And we spend time together because we are in close corners and involved in the same activities. So it was hard not to grow closer.

And then I grew closer to someone I didn't expect. And I don't know how or when we started being close, it feels so recent. But I'm glad its happened. And I feel like we get along great and like I have known him for so much longer than I really have. But I don't like the way I feel around him. I mean, I do, but I don't. I'm reckless and crazy when I'm around him. I forget to check in, I take things further than I should, I don't know when to stop and say enough is enough. But I love that I have so much fun. That I can talk to him, and vice versa. I love that we wake up every morning not knowing what we will end the day doing, whether it be epic paint fights, swimming, or just driving till we are so far from home and totally lost. But its the reasons that I hate that make me afraid to keep this up. Because I'm hurting people. They get worried. I don't blame him, its completely my fault I do these things. I just do them, I'm reckless because I like being with him, and I don't want to go home and end our nights together. And maybe everything was meant to be this way. Maybe I was supposed to meet him and have everything fall apart. Because we messed things up with each other. And now whenever I think about it, I get chills. Literal chills, that's never happened to me before. I don't know what I want, I don't know what we are supposed to do. And he needs to actually talk to me, tell me what he thinks and wants and for a minute just not think about what I'm going to say. I just can't stop being this way. I don't know what that even means, I'm just lost about everything.

I'm tired of attention. I want to blend back into the details. I'm sure that sounds bad, like I'm giving myself a backdoor compliment or whatever it's called. But really. I need some people to lay off. They hover around me and seek my attention and I can't deal with it. Or they watch me like hawks afraid I might break down at the mention of Michael or Danny's names b/c they think I can't handle them all leaving. Sometimes I want to do my work without random people texting me 10 times a day. Maybe I don't want to hang out with anyone this weekend. I am warning everyone who is reading this. I'm making my family life the biggest priority right now. I need to repare that. I have messed so many things up in my life that I just need to repare all the damage I have caused. I'm finally taking responsibilty, full, not half hearted anymore. So, everyone, don't make me your first priority. Because I'm not in the mood to disappoint anyone else. I love you all, it's just I need to fix the things that are most important to me.

And I am still staying in touch with my other friends, the ones who left. But it’s beginning to get more and more painful to talk to them. Knowing I won’t see them tomorrow. Or over the weekend. Or even next month. And that scares me more than anything. I’m just feeling lonely. The more I feel them slipping away, the more I feel that the glimpse of the better me is slipping away too. I shouldn’t need them in order to be the best me. But I’m not as strong as some people. And now, finding myself closer to these new people and I don’t want that. I don’t want to hang out with them. Because now I’m reckless, and I don’t have that fall back routine I could always count on. Now I wake up every morning and I don’t know what I’m going to end up doing, even when I like what I'm doing, I'm worried it might upset others. I make more mistakes than I can count. I disappoint the people I can’t afford to alienate, the people I love. I am self-aware, but I have lost my self-control. I miss those other people so much, I don’t want to sit at home and think about them, or about my family and my role in ruining it. I don’t want to think. So I don’t. I stop. I keep moving around, never staying too long so I don’t have to think. I want, want, want. Because I have so much and I still have that unsatisfied hole in me. The hole that knows I’m missing out on something big and I just don’t know what. It scares me that I might not find out what that is. So I do random, unplanned, reckless things with people hoping I’ll find it. But I haven’t found it. I haven’t found what I felt this summer. What I felt just sitting around in Michael’s basement, the whole gang just watching movies. Or practicing the dance with Danny in my living room. Or venting at Panera with Kaitlin, Tom and Rachel. Or getting a hug from one of them, knowing that they really do love me. Because they did. They loved me and knowing that is what made me that better person. The one I need to see more often. And they are gone. Hundreds of miles away. Living new lives. My friends are gone. And I disappointed the ones who are still here. And I don’t know how to fix it. But I have to.

Sneak Peak

This is a little story I have been writing.

Niebieski

 

When a flower blooms, it is perfect. It is opening up to the day as if completely cleansed, though it’s not at the beginning of its life and has already passed through many stages, it is now pure again. It will be facing new challenges and struggling for survival. It will be blemished and the delicate petals that surfaced at the bloom will be penetrated in some way or another. It will never be as pure as it was in that one state. But some seeds or buds never make it to the blossoming stage. There can be nothing as perfect as that new bud opening up and finally being something more beautiful than before, finally reaching its peak and potential. When it was just a bud it was pure and young, but it wasn’t at its prime, it was merely getting started and had no idea the hardships and changes it would face, it wasn’t self-aware. But how could it have been? It’s still imperfect as a bud, there is still a chance for it to fail, but it isn’t until the bloom that those imperfections are truly seen, valued, and appreciated. They are appreciated because the bloom itself is a sign of life and it is a miracle. We are all born with original sin. We are born fresh, new to this world, but we carry a weight on our shoulders. We all reach our ‘bloom’, our ‘peak’ at different points. We reach our prime when we can wash that original sin from our bodies, when we are faced with it and expel it, when our imperfections and humanity shine through but compliment us rather than down size our potential.

The Niebieski flower blooms every evening as the sun sets. Its petals close during the lighted hours of day and open only to the night sky. They have an almost translucent look to them, yet still glow blue and sparkle along the veins of 6 foot long foliage. These flowers grow on Niebieski trees at the ends of the branches. It is a backwards photosynthesis. The Niebieski flowers are energized by the rays reflected by the moon. They are often referred to as Moon Flowers. They do not bloom just once; they bloom every night like new. So no blemish, no injury or penetration of any sort will withstand through the day time hours. By the next night, the petals and the entire flower will be pure and new. Fresh.

But not much is known about these Moon Flowers. The Niebieski Trees and flowers only grow when surrounded by Murk. Many mistake it for water but it is not. A black substance, it is lighter than water and a deep black in color. Gathered at the bottom of a Murk pond is Dust from the veins of Niebieski Flowers and when reacting with Murk, Dust will create a glow throughout the ground, returning itself to the roots of Niebieski Trees and through to the Flowers.  The process is continuous and is therefore a cycle replenishing itself. The perfect, flawless system.

The glow of a Niebieski Tree is mesmerizing. Literally. It is hard to look away from a Niebieski Tree or Flower. Even Murk is entrancing. The glow will catch your eye and you will always find yourself looking back in the direction of the Moon Flowers’ glow. Yet so little is known about these curious life forms. They have become a product of the State, a tourist attraction used to take advantage of the curiosity of people. Tour guides lead groups out to the Murk where they come to a bridge and will not carry on any further. The groups will be told it is for the environmental safety of the Niebieskies but that is a lie.

When the Niebieski Flower was first discovered an Environmental Science Professional, James Gord and his partner William B. Hensworth set out to collect samples of Murk and Niebieski bark, nectar and petals. Upon arriving at the roots of the Niebieski Tree, Hensworth noticed an insect of an unidentified species hovering around Gord’s head. Seeing the bug, Gord became interested and in the moment, all interest turned to obsession.

Hensworth described the experience as such, “Gord saw the insect. He wanted to collect it in a vile as a sample to take back to the lab; we hadn’t even gotten any of the other samples so I just started on the Niebieskies. I always like to look at those Moon flowers, and that Murk. It’s beautiful. I could look at it forever. But when I turn away I… I always forget what it was like to look at it and so I look at it again… And then it’s the same thing. I only want to look at the Niebieskies. Nothing else seems important. And since I can never remember the joy of looking at the Niebieskies once I turn away, I want to take one with me. I want to take the flowers and keep them for myself. So I picked one of the Flowers right off the branch, it didn’t come off easy but I got it. But it didn’t glow anymore… It just looked like a leaf. And that happened each time I tried to take a Flower. It just wouldn’t work… Why? I just wanted a Flower… I don’t know why I snapped out of it then but that’s when I noticed the insect and Gord was already walking towards it, un-phased by the Trees or Flowers. He just followed that bug. He kept saying ‘I know, I won’t ever get this chance again. I have to go’ and I tried to keep him from going into the woods because I kept losing sight of him. It was ghost like. He would be there one minute while I tried to get samples and then he’d be gone because he wanted to follow that damn bug. And I was still fixated on the stupid Flower and at some point he really was gone and I went back into some trance, obsessed with getting a Moon Flower until I came to back at the hospital… I don’t remember anything else that happened”

Of the 13 people that went out in the search party for Dr. Gord, only four returned. Their experiences were described quite similarly as Dr. Hensworth’s. They would become entranced by the Flowers, Murk or this insect (later named the Konec Bug). The pull of energy that draws a person to these grows weaker at a distance. Bridges along the edge of a Murk pond are just close enough to keep tourists captivated and wanting to get closer without an obsessive pull. Their eyes and thoughts will wander curiously back to the beauty of Niebieskies but it will not over power them.
                               

Tour guides leading Niebieski seeking groups are not trained extensively. Those with interest in learning more about the species have the career option of joining the NRF (Niebieski Research Foundation). Here, they go through a two week training process before they are let out alone to visit a Niebieski Tree and witness the bloom of a Flower. This is a test and to pass it, one must return. Once a member of the NRF, you will participate in monthly outings to Niebieski Trees and Murk ponds where people have been reported missing. The mission of your group is to find evidence of what might have happened. Today, no more than 650 people are members of the NRF in the entire world. I am one of them. The details of my experience with Niebieskies are irrelevant to my story however, all incidents I have witnessed seem miniscule when next to the Group 17 Incident.

Tour groups go through waiting periods before they may be accepted into our system and permitted to see a Niebieski Flower, some travelers come to see the Flowers again and again. But there is a limit. In order to prevent obsession and casualties, the NRF conducts personal surveys on all those wishing to apply for entrance into a tour group. They are asked to answer questions that will give us an idea of their personality and will power. They are put into groups with others that will complement their personality type and with a specialist tour guide trained in dealing with them.

I am a Raske Tour Guide. I real with Raske, or difficult personality types. These are the people who are determined usually to get closer to the Niebieskies and will push their limits, the people who are strong willed but easily lead astray by curiosity. Group 17 was my Raske tour group I led out to the Niebieski fields. I don’t remember the date of the tour or what I was wearing or even the names of the people in my group, but I remember their backgrounds from the survey.

Four people were in my group, Raske Groups usually have the smallest numbers. A girl with soft blonde hair and freckles was in this group. She couldn’t have been older than seventeen. A big man, muscles excentuated through his tight shirt, stayed by her side most of the tour though their records showed they’d never met before. A brown haired boy, around nineteen carried around a pencil and paper, scribbling away madly and taking notes, interrupting me to add in his own facts about Niebieskies. And the last member was David, I remember his name because he was my trainee, a young, nervous man of about 25 who was going through NRF training.

 

 

Tune in later for more!!!!

One Sunday Morning

This is how I tell him
Oh, but it's long
One Sunday Morning
Oh, one son is gone.
I can see where it's dawning
Over the sea
My father said what I had become
No one should be.
Outside I look lived in
Like bones in a shrine
How am I forgiven?
Oh I'll give it time.
In silence without warning
Holding my brow
In time he thought I'd kill him
But I didn't know how.
I said it's your God I don't believe in
No, your Bible can't be true
Knocked down by the long life
He cried out, I fear what waits for you.
I can hear those bells
Spoken and gone
I feel if I feel well
Now he knows he was wrong.
I am cold for my father
Frozen underground
Jesus I wouldn't bother
He belongs to me now.
Something sad keeps moving
So I wandered around.
I fell in love with the burden
Holding me down.
Bless my mind, I miss
Being told how to live.
What I learned without knowing
How much more I owe
Than I can give.
This is how I tell him
Oh, but it's wrong
One Sunday morning
One son is gone
Wilco

I can't explain how much I will miss you, Ally. I love you so much. I say it a lot, but I mean it more than I can explain. I'm so angry that you are being taken away from me. But I'm happy for you, I'm excited for you, getting to go off and live these new adventures that you deserve. But I'm scared to be left here. Because I don't know if I will be able to handle things as well as you. I'm so scared. I'm going to feel so lost without you. I love you so much, you model who I am more than you realize. It hurts to see you go. But you have earned this, you will be happy, and so that makes a part of me happy. But I'm selfish, and I'll want you here. I know that can't happen. So have fun, please, for me. Enjoy it. I love you.

I can't explain how much I will miss you, Michael, Danny, Rachel, and Tom.
You guys are... I don't even know. I'll miss you like crazy and I already feel lonely and sad without you at school. But like Ally, I'm excited for you. But I want you to come back. I'm not ready for you guys to leave me yet, I've been trying to prepare all summer but it's only made me closer to you. I love you all. So much more than I can say in this blog. And I wish I could articulate it but I can't. Just know that I do care about yo all. You've done so much for me, things I can't repay you for, things I wish I could explain. But I just can't. All I can say is thank you. For everything. For this summer, for the lessons and for your friendship. I experienced a kind of friendship this past year that I had never before. So I really wish the best for all of you in life. Just please, don't forget about me.

Tom. Oh, Tom. Seriously, I better get calls every week. I will be visiting you at least once a month. When you come home, I expect visits. We WILL NOT lose touch. You are one of my best friends. Ever. I mean that. I have told you everything. I can't say that about a lot of people. You are actually probably the only one who knows this much about me. You are such a genuine person, the best kind I will ever meet. Your personality is fun and refreshing, you're original. You are great. You know me inside and out, and I'm going to miss that. I'll miss your advice, your insight, and how I can call you and just talk whenever I need to. I'll miss the feeling I get when I can help you. You make me a better person. You are funny. You are the best. I just need you to know that when you leave, I'm not going to let you slip away. I care about you enough to not let that happen. You've changed my life, and I don't even care if that sounds stupid, but really. You are an amazing person. You are who I go to always. You will be happy. I just know it. You deserve it. You deserve the best. I feel like none of this is doing justice to you. Again, I can't artculate it. But i hope you know how great you are. Because this is the kind of thing that doesn't come around often. I feel like you are so epic, you're going to do great things. I have no doubt in my mind. This sounds so bad, but really words fail to describe the kind of person you are. Other people are going to see that though. In college, people will notice, you will have so many friends. And people are going to appreciate you. I can't wait to hear more of your stories. I am proud to call you my friend.
But I'm terrified of losing you. I lose a lot of things. You know the stories. And it's been a while since I cared about some enough to actually be this afraid of losing them. I know Ally and I will be fine, she is my sister, we will always be there for each other. You and I say we will be, but it scares me that that might not be the case always. Everyone has people who let them down, I know I'm not the only stupid teenage girl who feels this way, but that doesn't mean my fears aren't real or justififiesd. So, please, stick with me!!!!!

Being back at school, I'm seeing a lot of people. But I feel lonelier than before. The dates are approaching when I really do have to watch you guys go. I did so many things just fine before I knew all of you. But I'm a lot different now. And now I feel like I can't do anything without thinking of you all leaving, and how I'm staying here. Ahg. I'm listening to a lot of Wilco lately too so that probably doesn't help.

Don't forget about me.
Seriously.

I hope you all have as much fun at college as I did this summer with you.

The past few nights I have been out late at a local art studio and art therapy center called Artisticology. I have been honored to be selected as one of the artists working on a 10 foot piece to be displaed in the new World Class Performing Arts Center in Downtown Dundee. Apparantly this piece will be displayed for years (the director of the project said 50 years but I don't know if that's true). Architects who have worked on projects around the world (including lighting and acoustics in Versailles) are coming in to help design this building. It will be home to recording studios, art galleries, a 250 seat auditorium, etc. This place could really turn around a community, it's a great opportunity. This Friday is the Fundraiser to promote the project, 200 guests have been invited to "donate big money" and as one of the participants in the painting, I have been asked to attend to mingle and discuss witht the guests why the arts are important and talk about the new building. There will be live music, a jazz pianist from the city, vocal jazz group, dancers and improv groups. It seems like a pretty classy event. I like the people I have met while working on this. I feel so honored to be able to be apart of this. It truly is something great.
But one of the best people I've met through this is Trisha. She is the Artist and Art Therapist that I've been meeting with to plan the painting. She is like the grown up version of me in some ways. She owns her own business where she rents out space to artists, runs classes and workshops and practices art therapy with patients here and there while still keeping up with her own art on the side. That's kinda my dream. I want to have my own art studio one day. I want to be a councilor and help people through my love of art and music. And being in her studio just is so relaxing, the brick walls and unmatching chairs, old style suitcases as storage and paint everywhere is just my style. We both love mixed media art and share the same views on a lot of topics. It's another new experience, and I just love it.
We talked tonight about what it has been like for me this past month at my new job. About the moral dellemas it's caught me in, the unethical actions and behaviors of my coworkers. The strain its put me in with my family. She found herself in the same position in a job in the past and deals with patients facing the same things. And talking with her, and my dad and thinking it over myself, I realized I really am in quite a pickle.
I have only had this job for a month. But it caused me to miss out on vacation, family days, going away parties for friends, and it makes me miserable. When I met the boss, my coworkers, I liked them. I thought they were pretty vulgar, but I could handle it. But the more aquainted I've become the more I realized that this is not where I belong, in a place where everyone is treated poorly, I'm yelled at for things that aren't under my controll. I constantly feel pressured to do the wrong thing, I witness unethical behavior and feel morally conflicted. I walk on pins and needles, fearing anything I might say could get me fired. I can't ask for time off, I get held up for 2 hours after my shift ends with no pay, I work 8 and a half hour days with only a 20 minute break. On days I have to work, I feel so anxious, I hate going in. Its awful. And when I do get time with my friends, I can't even enjoy it because all I cant think about is how I'll have to go into work and be miserable. I have coworkers saying completely out of line an inapropriate things to me constantly, and here's the thing. I can handle language and vulgarity, but when innapropriate comments are directed at me, whether they be joking or not, I never react well. Maybe it's one of those things I just need to get over or whatever, but either way, I can't deal with it.
I felt trapped. I honestly had it in my mind that I couldn't just quit. What would they think of me if I quit? But then it occured to me, I don't like most of these people, if I quit, odds are I'll never see them again. Why should I care what they think? And nothing is keeping me there, I have a choice. I can leave whenever and its not up to them, it's up to me. I could quit and my misery would be over. I can get by with $20 a week from my parents. I'll budget. I babysit. And by this time, I've realized that the pros out weighed the cons and I knew it was time to end it. So I handed in my 2 week notice and I feel like I can breathe.
And then I drove over to Artisticology. I told Trisha about my little apifany and what I had done. And I painted, and had a wonderful time. And even though I have one week left I feel so happy already. I thought the job was going to give me freedom and independence but it was the opposite. Its not the commitment that I dislike, it's the work place. I learned from it though.
1.) The corporate world is not for me
2.) Never rush into anything
3.) My Dad is good at leading me to the right decisions
4.) People aren't always as good as they seem, so don't be too quick to judge
5.) You're never stuck, you can always choose to do something else. There is always another option.

So I'm still continuing my plan to be happy this year, and I think it's going pretty well. School starts up again next week. Trisha told me I can come into the studio any time I want and she will even keep me down to come in once in a while and help out when she is short on staff. I might get the chance at a babysitting job soon for a great family. I have a wonderful support system of friends and family and a budding relationship. Its time to be happy.
It's funny how things work out when you decide to let them.

Take Me There

this is what i think about sometimes and don't say out loud.

 This is how i've felt.

this is where i want to be.

 Enough said.
Take me there.

In a show called Reaper, a young man has to collect escaped souls for the devil in order to free his own soul that his parents unknowingly sold before his birth. In said show, the depict the DMV as the earthly connection and passage to hell. I always thought that was funny. But recently, I found out that that is far from the truth.
I've been to the DMV. It's not that bad.
Lab Corp.
The drug testing center of America.
Never go there.
Ever.
If a job ever requires you to get tested, quit right then and there.
It was one of the worst days of my life.
That might be a little dramatic. I mean the worst kind of average day. The kind of day where you spill all over your new shirt or get a nose bleed while talking to the boy you like or flunking a test (all of which have classified as worst average days of my life). Not the kind of day where you mentally fall apart because your life has been abruptly changed for the worse. This day, Lab Corp day was a bad, bad day.
It started with having to cancel plans with a friend. I had a doctors appointment and a drug test. The driving distance would probably cause these small errands to last all day. The first doctors appointment (a simple sports physical) passed uneventfully, followed by lunch with my mom and sisters. An average day.
But then I had the drug test with mean, grumpy polish nurses who spoke too loudly. They yelled at me, making me nervous so of course, I couldn't pee. Not very original, but I just couldn't pee. So, naturally, they yelled at me some more. I couldn't pee still. They were so awful about everything, they grabbed me by my arm multiple times and quite forcefully. I'm not a criminal, I'm not there for any illegal reasons, it was merely an innocent pre-employment drug test.Yet they treated me like I had personally wronged them in some way, like my wrong actions had led me to this place, like I was guilty of something.
There were other people there who were being tested too. They scared me, I'm sorry but it's true. Maybe they were there for the same reasons as me but maybe not. They looked miserable and worn down. Their lips were white and their eyes had circles under them. And they stared. Like, unnervingly.
But then I realized I shouldn't look at them the way I was. Feeling sorry for them and afraid of them. The nurses were doing that to me. It made me feel awful. They didn't know why I was there, they just treated me bad no matter what. They judged me, and that is no one's right. I was judging these people. I came up with their life stories in my head. But truthfully, we were all in the same boat. We were all being yelled at in polish by short, blonde women, We were all peeing into a cup while 5 other people listened at the not fully closed door. It might not seem like a big deal, but those were things i had in common with these people. People I have never met, people I'll probably never speak to or ever see again. But they were people right? God's children. And therefore, they should receive my love. They don't have to earn it or deserve it, they just have it. Do as Jesus does. Jesus saved me before I was even born, he loved me before I was even thought of. As a Christian, I'm doing my best everyday to try and do what Jesus did. I try to go out and love. To heal and help anyone who needs it, to spread God's love to others. I don't usually discuss religion unless I need to. I like to listen to others discuss it though. I spread love, God's love, when I listen to what people have to say, when I'm there for them, when they need someone or even if it's just holding the door open for someone or giving a hug. I do it in the name of God while being anonymous. I want to be a good person, not just a good christian. I believe you can be a good person without being a good christian. I live by the golden rule.

Do onto others as you would have them do onto you.

I had a fall out with a good friend a few weeks ago. It hurt. And I didn't say a lot of things I wanted to say, not because they were bad things, but because I didn't want to hurt him in anymore than he already felt I had. He thinks I hurt him. He hurt me. So I am sorry if I hurt you. I'm sorry things ended the way they did. I'm sorry you said some of the things you said, because it can't be taken back. I forgive you, but now I feel like I know better than I used to. But I'm done being angry. Your words stick with me. They make me sad. But you didn't loose my love. You didn't loose it because you could have never ever earned it. It was just given to you. As it should have been. There is nothing you could do that would cause me to take away that love, I hope you know that. I can't be angry anymore, now I just feel hurt. But where there is love, there is healing and forgiveness. You might not want it or care even, but you have it. Everything that happened that night was awful. But it was human, I don't think it was right, but it happened and it can't be taken back so what's the point in staying mad at you? You are a person, just like me and those people at Lab Corp. Those nurses might have been having a bad day, you might have been having a bad day that night. We are all in he same boat, aren't we? Trying to live and make it through day to day. I didn't like the way the nurses treated me, but so what? I can only learn from that experience. It sounds corny but Jesus loves them so so should I, Jesus lives inside them so I need to treat them as if I were faced right then and there with Jesus himself. Besides, they help me get my job by proving that I'm drug free. They helped me and now they are done being a part of my life. You helped me. But I guess it was you who wanted to be done being apart of my life. I can accept that. If that's what you think is best.

The day I went to Lab Corp was not a good day but it taught me a lot. The night I went to talk with you was not a good night but it taught me a lot. It was one of the worst nights. But it was a test. I hope you know that I'm sorry for whatever I did, but I just don't understand still what caused any of it. What did I do to lose your love?
I am not perfect. But I try to be a person I'd like to know.
I'm glad I knew you.
Bye.


Oh, and Cindy deserves a shout out. I love you too!!!