The Fix.

I have homework to do.
A lot.

And I'm not doing it.
Because I can hardly think straight.
So much for time management.

Seriously?
Why am I messing everything up?
EVERYTHING.
I keep hurting the people I love.

I don't mean to.

I used to live. Just live and that was all. Things were fine. Just fine. For a long time, and it was never a problem because I never knew anything else. And suddenly I was happy. I wasn’t the old way anymore, the way I had become comfortable with. I was hanging out with people who had never felt that way. People who could stay out until 4 in the morning, no questions asked. People who had freedom in ways that I had never experienced. Not just freedom and leniency in boundaries set by their parents, but also freedom inside themselves. They had their own boundaries that seemed for them, so easy to stick to. They knew their limits, but always lived them to the full extent. They had fun. They were all friends, always together. The kind of stereotypical teenagers I imagined as a kid. The kind that I never felt I grew into. And they were just good people. They were so good and being around them; it was just a new kind of emotion and experience. So I spent my summer growing more attached to them every day. And so now I feel this pull, I feel this tug inside of me now that they are gone, like they tied a rope to my rib cage and are pulling it along as they move around so far away. I spent nearly every day with them. They made me into a person I wanted to be, a person I really liked and they saw that. And if there was one thing I could do for them, it was be that person always. When they are gone. When they are here. When I’m feeling like I’m at my worse, just to turn things around and be that person. That person who is loving and caring and selfless and good. To take that bond that I finally created with my sister and always hold onto it as my support. 

To be a good person.

That’s what they wanted from me, that’s what I want desperately, so desperately to give them.

But then they left. And I met a few new people at the start of the year. And they are god people too. They mean well. But they don’t compare. But they were causal friends. They are causal friends. And we spend time together because we are in close corners and involved in the same activities. So it was hard not to grow closer.

And then I grew closer to someone I didn't expect. And I don't know how or when we started being close, it feels so recent. But I'm glad its happened. And I feel like we get along great and like I have known him for so much longer than I really have. But I don't like the way I feel around him. I mean, I do, but I don't. I'm reckless and crazy when I'm around him. I forget to check in, I take things further than I should, I don't know when to stop and say enough is enough. But I love that I have so much fun. That I can talk to him, and vice versa. I love that we wake up every morning not knowing what we will end the day doing, whether it be epic paint fights, swimming, or just driving till we are so far from home and totally lost. But its the reasons that I hate that make me afraid to keep this up. Because I'm hurting people. They get worried. I don't blame him, its completely my fault I do these things. I just do them, I'm reckless because I like being with him, and I don't want to go home and end our nights together. And maybe everything was meant to be this way. Maybe I was supposed to meet him and have everything fall apart. Because we messed things up with each other. And now whenever I think about it, I get chills. Literal chills, that's never happened to me before. I don't know what I want, I don't know what we are supposed to do. And he needs to actually talk to me, tell me what he thinks and wants and for a minute just not think about what I'm going to say. I just can't stop being this way. I don't know what that even means, I'm just lost about everything.

I'm tired of attention. I want to blend back into the details. I'm sure that sounds bad, like I'm giving myself a backdoor compliment or whatever it's called. But really. I need some people to lay off. They hover around me and seek my attention and I can't deal with it. Or they watch me like hawks afraid I might break down at the mention of Michael or Danny's names b/c they think I can't handle them all leaving. Sometimes I want to do my work without random people texting me 10 times a day. Maybe I don't want to hang out with anyone this weekend. I am warning everyone who is reading this. I'm making my family life the biggest priority right now. I need to repare that. I have messed so many things up in my life that I just need to repare all the damage I have caused. I'm finally taking responsibilty, full, not half hearted anymore. So, everyone, don't make me your first priority. Because I'm not in the mood to disappoint anyone else. I love you all, it's just I need to fix the things that are most important to me.

And I am still staying in touch with my other friends, the ones who left. But it’s beginning to get more and more painful to talk to them. Knowing I won’t see them tomorrow. Or over the weekend. Or even next month. And that scares me more than anything. I’m just feeling lonely. The more I feel them slipping away, the more I feel that the glimpse of the better me is slipping away too. I shouldn’t need them in order to be the best me. But I’m not as strong as some people. And now, finding myself closer to these new people and I don’t want that. I don’t want to hang out with them. Because now I’m reckless, and I don’t have that fall back routine I could always count on. Now I wake up every morning and I don’t know what I’m going to end up doing, even when I like what I'm doing, I'm worried it might upset others. I make more mistakes than I can count. I disappoint the people I can’t afford to alienate, the people I love. I am self-aware, but I have lost my self-control. I miss those other people so much, I don’t want to sit at home and think about them, or about my family and my role in ruining it. I don’t want to think. So I don’t. I stop. I keep moving around, never staying too long so I don’t have to think. I want, want, want. Because I have so much and I still have that unsatisfied hole in me. The hole that knows I’m missing out on something big and I just don’t know what. It scares me that I might not find out what that is. So I do random, unplanned, reckless things with people hoping I’ll find it. But I haven’t found it. I haven’t found what I felt this summer. What I felt just sitting around in Michael’s basement, the whole gang just watching movies. Or practicing the dance with Danny in my living room. Or venting at Panera with Kaitlin, Tom and Rachel. Or getting a hug from one of them, knowing that they really do love me. Because they did. They loved me and knowing that is what made me that better person. The one I need to see more often. And they are gone. Hundreds of miles away. Living new lives. My friends are gone. And I disappointed the ones who are still here. And I don’t know how to fix it. But I have to.