I'm Glad You Asked.

The Job Hunt

So I've been having a heck of a summer. To say the least. One of the many things that has kept me so busy is the job hunt. I have been wanting a job, not needing, just wanting one very badly. But no one wants to hire me... Why? WHY?! I actually am not curious as to why because I know very well why I am not a desirable candidate for anything. I have absolutely no skills or experience and I'm of no use to society. The past 16 years I've literally only been absorbing and taking things I didn't work for. But so have most of my peers. There have been a few places in this area that have felt sorry enough for me to at least give me an interview. And wow. Have those gone bad, or what? Before you read any further watch this video.

Deadkevinsketch

My friends have recently gotten me hooked on these videos and before my interview at Buffalo Wild Wings, I thought I'd sit and watch a few to get my mind off things. Unfortunately, this did not help my reactions at my interview. After every question I had to remind myself not to begin my answer with "I'm glad you asked". This is how it went.

Me:   Hello!

Interviewer:   Hi. So, what do you think you have to offer this company?

Me:   Uhm. Well, I uhm... I think. I uhm. I'm a good, a good worker. Who uh. Can be a team player. Ha sports. And cuz this is a sports bar. I don't do anything, I mean I finsh, I don't do things half way... I did a project for Espanol tres when my cumpanero was in France. So she, I new the grading scale was uhm, it would be fine if I didn't do the whole thing because Senora said so and but then I did it.

Interviewer:  Ok then? Well. How do you handle stress?

Me:  Oh. Well if my family history is, I know that stress is bad, and my great grandma went gray at 19 and so then that probably wasn't from stress. I, you know, yoga helps since I don't want to go gray, I do yoga. Chemistry is a stressfull class so I had a gray hair, but I cut it. Then my hair looked bad. But I mean, what, the point is I am good at stress, with stress I mean. Uhm I'm acting weird aren't I?

Interviewer:              *Laughs awkwardly* I hate yoga.

Me:    Why?

Interviewer:  I can't do any of the positions.

Me:  Oh, well anyone can really, you just have to practice!

Interviewer:   Well I'm not going to because I hate it.

Me:   Oh well ok.

Interviewer:   So you're one of those girls that's into yoga and stuff. How refreshing. Oh wait...

Me:                          *Uncontrolled fit of nervous laughter lasting about 3 minutes*

(Later in the interview)

Interviewer:   Well you seem like a perfectionist.

Me:  Oh, but well. It's a. Uhm I like to be on top, I mean of like on top of things, not in th other way... (That's what she said?) Uhm! Yeah, well no. I'm an art and music student and I guess well you know. Like, I can toally appreciate and except people who are, well like anything. I. Mean. I. Can. App-re-ci-ate. Imperfections *Smiling like a lunatic* (At this point, a twitch I have been dealing with, which my doctor says is a lack of potassium in my body, decided to present itself...)

Interviewer:   Your eye is twitch-

Me:   YUP!!!

Interviewer:    Ok. Well anyway, you seem a lot like an onion, would you agree?

Me:       If that's what I am then I mean I am that then I guess?

Interviwer:   I meant like Shrek. Get it?

Me:    Except I'm not an Ogre... *More hysterical laughing*

I didn't get the job...

I have an Office Max interview coming up in Saturday. Hopefull I don't twitch or stutter or discuss my hair color in depth or the travel habits of my seat partner in high school spanish during this interview... Needless to say, I will be watching no DeadKevinSketch videos before hand.

The Talk

Spoiler Alert.
This post is about SEX so please, if you don't want to hear about my opinions on sex, DON'T CONTINUE READING!!!! But seriously, I think you're all over the age f 12 so we hopefully are all mature enough!!!

Why is everyone so afraid of the topic of sex?
In my friend's basement last night, we were debating about what Tom should write his next blog on. I offered the topic of sex. And instantly people felt awkward. Sorry guys, but I was serious. At the mention of the 'S' word, everyone laughed nervously and refused to comment on the subject. Is it because I'm a girl and your friend therefore you think we shouldn't discuss it? Well I know everyone thinks about it sometimes, even girls!!! I don't mean we need to go throwing the touchy subject around like its something to be proud of, but hey, its a part of life right? So here's what I think:

1. Sex is not that big of a deal, but its a much bigger deal than a lot of people think. When I say it's not a huge deal, I mean that it doesn't have to be something you need to contemplate enormously or over think or tell everyone about or preserve forever. Loosing your virginity can be this funny, awkward experience with someone you really love. And if you thought you loved them and realize later that you don't, ok. Don't sweat it kiddo. It happens, but you loved them at the time right? So don't let it get to you that much, you feel like you made a mistake, don't let it happen again, be safe and understand that it's a part of growing up. But it shouldn't be some one night stand, hook up thing that you just wanted to get over with. It's special, it should happen in a way that you can look back on and accept.
2. Everyone thinks about sex, girls, boys, teachers, sibblings, grandparents, so get over it. Let's try not to make it any more awkward than it has to be. My parents are always making jokes about sex to make me feel uncomfortable. But they don't succeed. Whatever, wait til I talk about sex, then whose going to be uncomfortable! But to tell you the truth, I doubt my parents will be uncomfortable when I talk to them about having sex. I know they want me to tell them when I come to that situation and so I will because I trust them and I want them to trust me. They are apart of my life, and I want to be able to let them know when I decide to take that step. Sorry if any of you think that's weird but I tell my parents pretty much everything. And I know they will support me in that decision.
3. But just because I want to be open about sex, doesn't mean I want to go out and grab the next person I see and tap them like a maple tree. I want to be in love with that person, and for me that means waiting until marriage. I am a pretty indecisive person, as I have previously mention. So I think it would suck to be in a relationship with someone, decide I'm ready for sex, then relaize I hate their guts. Most guys I have dated I end up disliking in the end and we stop talking. Or just grown apart. And I wouldn't be comfortable then, knowing that I gave them suchj a huge part of me only to have it end up being so meaningless.
4.  But hey, I'm indecisive, so who knows how it'll happen. I say now that I want to wait until marriage, but I also said it should be with someone you really love. And I don't believe in one true love. I have loved many people in different ways, so who is to say I won't love someone even if I don't marry them? Then isn't it ok? I think so. Since I don't love anyone right now, I can't say. But if in 5 years I meet someone and we're together and love each other, would it be such a sin to physically show that? I don't think so. But you can feel free to disagree (I'm a poet and I didn't even know it).
5. Your sexuality is between you and your partner. That said, it's good to talk about it with people to an extent, just to be sure you're being safe and open. But don't listen to anyone who wants to tell you it's a sin to have sex outside of marriage. What you choose to do is your decision only, and you need to be on the same page as your partner. John 4:7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. So it is right to love, of course.

 "Sex, life, healing, nature magic." That's love. I choose to love completely and unconditionly in life. That involves sex. So there. I said it. I'm not afraid of it, I'm willing to talk about it, and I understand what it means and the maturity that has to come along with it. So for anyone who doesn't agree with me, that's totally ok. I just wanted to expand in the subject, because it's something that should be open for communication. I want to be in love with someone, not because of sex, but because I want to be apart of someone and I want someone to be apart of me. I'm excited for it to happen. Love is just beautiful. And I can't to experience it!

These pictures are from my favorite movie, Beginners. And it's about falling in love. Maybe I'm childish, but I think the idea of falling in love and everything that goes along with it is exciting. Ewan McGregor plays the perfect guy. This movie portrays my secret longing to fall in love with a guy who talks to his dog and is working on creating balance in his life that involves the help of a girl who is a lot like me... you should watch this movie.

Melanie Laurent is just straigh up goegeous.

Beautiful. Romantic. Loving. Happy.

I just love this picture so freaking much. I want to fall in love.

Oh dear, this movie displays the exact kind of love I want to have...

Tonight. And Every Night Before...

"I've got a perfect body, but sometimes I forget. I've got a perfect body, because my eyelashes catch my sweat."

I want to stop thinking. About everything. I left the party and I'm alone with my thoughts. But that's better than being around everyone. I'm a people person, I love my social time. But right now, I have to distance myself and be around others who I'm not as close with. Casual talkers and listeners. Instead of being with the people I have been surrounding myself with lately. Because I'm going to be honest, I'm at the end of my rope. I can't do this anymore. What did I get myself into? I let myself get pulled in. And now I'm stuck. What do I call them now? 'Friend' seems to casual a word. We all know that we are closer than that. Too close maybe. Can't they see what this is doing to me? Any of them? I'm holding this in even though I don't want to see anyone anymore. But I have to. I have the movie. I have to be there for people. But really, all I want is to not talk. I want to be done being open. I'm sick of over communitcating. I'm sick of being in the middle. What else can I do for any of them? I can do no more. Really. If it were simple enough that I could help them all by sitting and just spending the night. Or just being around them. That my presence could help wash away all the bad things. To make them all feel clean and new but that doesn't seem to work with any of them. I listen. I talk. But it's just not enough. So please, if any of you are reading this, realize that its killing me. I feel like all we do is talk in circles and over communicate and I want it to end more than anything. I want to go back to May. Back to April. So let me off the hook, tell me I can go home when I want now and I can breathe and I can smile around them all. Let me off the hook and tell me that I don't have to do this anymore. That they can work things out and we can all get along like we did then. But they just won't let me help. And they don't even see that. I can't do anymore whispers. I can't do anymore texts or voicemails at 4 in the morning. I can't do anymore car rides. Or I might collapse. I'm falling apart. And I'm seeing him soon and I don't think I want him to see me like this. I don't know if I want him to see them like this. When we are so close to ripping each others' heads off. Tonight, I just couldn't be around them. And so what can I do for them? Again, nothing. So don't do this to me. I won't let it happen anymore. It's no longer up to any of them, it's in my hands now. And I will always be there for them. Always. I jsut won't do this anymore. This sneaking and lying and talking behind someone's back and gossiping and talking in circles and getting nowhere. It only adds what I don't need to my life. I have other plans. I have another life that they all aren't apart of. They aren't involved in that part of me. Because none of them care enough to be. I feel like I do so much for them. I go to their parties, their band concerts, everything and more, don't I? Because I'm their friend. But I had one thing. One thing that was important to me. And they said they'd come and not one of them showed up. So yes. I'm feeling a little resentment now but please, give me one reason why I shouldn't. Is it to much to ask for them to come to one event? The worst part is, they don't even realize they did it. This isn't fair. But I continue to be here for them. And I always will be. But here's the thing: I'm not them. I'm me. And I like me. Others like me. Sometimes I forget my potential, but I never forget the people who really love me. So maybe I need more with those people, the ones who came that night. I know that's what is right for now. Until this all blows over. Because I'm worth more than what how I'm being treated. Like I'm so much younger than all of them, like I'm naive and innocent and I don't know the troubles they face. Because I've been here at least, and maybe I haven't faced exactly what they are going through but I try? If you don't want to except my help, why ask? I realize this post has taken a turn for the worst but please, like I said, I can't take it anymore. I have to remove myself from this becasue it's making me miserable. I'm tough, I've been through a lot, even if they refuse to believe that. I just don't open up my immediate problems as easily as they all do. But maybe if they had bothered to come that night, they would have learned a lot about me. That was supposed to be one of the best nights in a long time. But I won't let their complete absences ruin that memory for me, I did great things that night, and I'll continue. But I don't need them to do it. They aren't everything. Because they don't realize that I have a lot more layers to me than they have seen. I only show so much. But I don't forget who I am. Or what I value about myself. And since this all has happened, I've grow so much, whether they see it or not. I don't think they know me well enough to see a difference, but its there. Because now I won't forget that I have a perfect body, you know why? Because my eyelashes catch my sweat.

I'm me, with or without them. I want to help them, I want to continue to be there but there's only so much I can do still. But all I ask, is that they wise up and see what they're doing.





I'll be here when you want to talk about things, don't forget that.

But I'm not little. And I'm a hell of a friend. So see that.

Kelly out.

All The Things That I Can't Say

"Dear Love,
I miss you much."

My letter that says everything I can't say.

Dear Love,

It's been a while since I've been in love. Or loved anything. I was starting to think I had lost that part of me. I've been quite happy lately. But missing something. I haven't been loving life. I haven't been loving much of anything. What scares me is that doesn't bother me. Really. I've never been in love with a person. That's what I say when the conversation comes up.

But then there's you. And when I hear certain lyrics, lyrics that we've talked about together, I can't help but think about you and what we could be. What we won't ever be. Because we are so distant. In every way. And I'm inconsistant and we both act uninterested. But when we're alone together in your basement, don't you feel so comfortable, and happy? And, yeah things get awkward and I laugh myself to tears. But then we talk about things, we talk about nothing to avoid actually talking about something. And you make me feel so great when I'm with you. Like I'm at an extreme high point in my life. We're unbeatable, a great team. And you don't let me in, which only interests me more. But then I go and act uninterested or indifferent about how we haven't talked in a month. Then, all of a sudden, you come back into the picture and it's like nothing ever happened. I try to one up you by ignoring you next time. But that only hurts me more than you. Neither of us have troubles getting dates, I think that must sound overly confident but it's true, isn't it? But I've been single for a while because I can't make up my mind. I'm indecisive. .


So what are we going to do? I'm going to see you in a few weeks. Or will I? Because things always seem to interfere. I remember hearing from a third party how much you talk about me. And pretending not to care. Waving my hand like I thought it was no big deal. We still hung out. And I laughed. And nothing happened. Like always. But do I want anything to happen? We both know it would ruin a lot of things if it did. So it doesn't. It never does. It never will. Even if we both want it to. Because we are both smart people. And we both screw things up.


But you don't even know what you do to me, do you? You have me in a corner and I cant back out. Because I'm intersted in what you have to say. I want to know so much more about you but we act so causal. I don't want to be more invested than you. And to tell the truth, I don't even know you that well. Even while talking to you, I'm not any closer to knowing you. I'm curious to say the least.


So I'm already preparing for when we see each other next. I'm excited, I'm nervous. But I'll act so calm and distant. I can't even explain how dishonest that is, because I'm so intersted. And I can only say that honestly here, typing. Becasuse I know you're not going to read this. Other people will, and they will ask me who this is about. And maybe I'll tell them. Because I've never told anyone how I sometimes feel about you. Ever. Not even my best friends. Because I truly am confused about you and how I feel. I forget about you when you aren't around and sometimes you are constantly on my mind. So I just keep it to myself. Not because I'm ashamed or embarrassed, but because what's the point? I'm old enough to know most things don't work out in this situation even if I were to decide for sure that this is what I want. We'll be friends, we'll always only be friends. On and off though, because we both have other lives and everything. A few things in common won't get us anywhere. But it's a start. So I'll be your friend, even if it means getting hurt. Because I can't always get what I want. But I love talking to you. So it won't stop. And instantly when I met you, I knew that this would probably happen. And I have no idea how you really feel. Scratch that, I think I know how you feel. I think you feel the same way I do. That how we are now when we are together, what ever that is, that is all we will ever be. Sucks, huh? But in a way, that's ok.

So. Let it rain.  Because these are all the things I that I can't say. But now its said (or written I guess?). I feel better. At least you know how I feel. That if one day we can be more, I might like that. But if not, ok. Our timing was never prime.

See you soon.

Love always,
      Me

Birds in Boxes

Birds in Boxes and Boxes of the Best Things
I used to keep a dead bird in a box, hidden away from my family's prying eyes. It made me feel better when I was sad.

 This week, I got a new pair of TOMS shoes. They are red and unfortunately, a size too big.
"Do they fit? Please try them on." My Dad pleaded.
Nope, I took the tags off too early, thinking I knew better. I don't.
Now I have a pair of shoes that hurt, but its a good kind of hurt. As I lay down in bed with the intention of sleeping, the box that the shoes came in is right at my eye level, constantly reminding me for the past few days of the One For One policy because I'm too lazy to take the box to the recycling. What if I need that box? I want to keep it with all of my other shoe boxes that I have saved in case I need them one day, plus its a box, why would I get rid of it? Plus it has a good little reminder written on it! Sidenote: I do find use for a shoe box at least once a year!


I kept a dead bird in a shoe box for a while when I was a kid. One summer, I found a oddly large number of abandonded baby birds in our backyard all within weeks of each other. one of them ended up drowning, one died in its sleep, one choked, and another was found mangled and bloodied to my confusion and horror as an emotional 12 year old. But James, a yellow finch was my favorite. He lasted outside in my old shoe box through two storms! It was his home, complete with a water bowl filled with marbles so he wouldn't drown like a previous one, food that was so miniscule in size it would be nearly impossible for him to choke on, and it was high enough that he couldn't jump out and to his death. I thought after all my practice I would be a pro at raising this bird in a shoe box. But he died. He stopped breathing and all I could do is watch him. I couldn't help, and he died. I just sat and watch this go on for a few minutes before it finally ended. Then I took the shoe box and placed it on the side of our house, placing tarp over it. For a good two weeks, I would go out and stare at my dead bird. Bugs crawled in and out of its skin, it smelled like old people and skunks and it was probably a little weird looking back on that now. But when I think of that summer, a remember the birds and how all the shoe boxes were Sketchers and Converse shoe boxes because thats what I wore then.And i kept things I loved in those boxes, in this case, a dead animal. I loved that bird. I couldn't let it go. I hated it for dying though. I had tried so hard for it, done everything to keep him alive. And he went and died anyway. In my hands for goodness sake. Ever since, I've had a habbit of keeping things I love in shoe boxes.

Now, my shoe boxes dispplay TOMS or Nordstrom instead of Sketchers. Boxes for high heals or sneakers or sandals. Boxes I use to keep pictures in, to store old papers and for projects. Some filled with broken jewlery or art supplies. So i took down this new box from my TOMS and looked at what I had put in it already.  Upon looking, I hadn;t realized it at the time, but I'd created a theme for my new box. In it was a movie ticket to see The Avengers, a recite from Goodwill from when my friends and I went to buy costumes for a movie we're making (a story from another time), and a visitor's name tag from when they all came to visit me in my art class after they had graduated.

I've been having a hard time lately, coming home to my house at the end of the day (or early morning) and not being around friends. Whether it be my close gang of girls or my beloved seniors, soon to be college freshmen. Its sinking in and I'm dreading their departure. They will go off and leave me. After I spent sop much time with them, tried so hard to do all I can to make these last months memorable. I want so bad for them to remember me when they leave me behind. But still, after everything they are going to leave. I can't hold them back, in fact, I'm excited to see how they change and grow while they're off, but I just wish they could pack me up and take me with so I can live under their beds or something...

And looking in the box made me flashback to my little bird, James. It was happening again. I was putting all my efforts into these people, like my beautiful bird. I'm doing all I can. But it will die, they will leave. And in the meantime, I'm packing them up in this box so I can go out and look at it when I'm feeling sad. I can swoon over these little things, keepsakes of a short period of time that I don't want to let go of. But eventually, I got rid of the box James was in. I set it out by our curb on a Wednesday morning and the garbage men took him away. And now I hardly think of him. So what if that happens with this box too?

Well I just can't let it. This isn't the same as my bird. I'm doing all I can for these people, yeah, and I love it. I'm here for them, and vice versa. I'm doing my best, thinking of others and trying to have a good time. Yes, they will leave, but maybe one day I'll look back on this summer and not break down and cry or be sad but actually be able to genuinly smile and be happy about it. Le Petit Prince. I didn't learn much from that bird, but I'm learning from these people, my best friends. So my box is symbolising what I've learned this summer. Here's what's in it so far:

1.) A baseball Michael and I found at the baseball feild on one of our runs. Importance: He inspired me that day to write a new short story. We talked a lot, it was invigorating conversation.
2.) A list we all made of the characters and their style for our movie. Importance: I'm so thankful that they are all helping me bring my vision to life, they are good people and it was a great day.
3.) Tom's visitor's pass. Importance: I'm glad they would come back into the school that they are officially free from during their summer to hang out with me in art class.
4.) A ticket to pur last school play together, You Can't Take It With You. Importance: it basically started everything.
5.) Avengers ticket stub. Importance: what a great movie and a great day with everyone, I conquered my fear of the Superman rollercoaster at six flags!
6.) My Grandmother's journal to her family. Importance: I learned a lot from reading this. Its a journal she kept notes in about being a mother and a wife and getting through family issues. She wrote in it to her future family and I will do the same. Nothing has gotten me more excited for my future as a mother and wife than this journal, its inspiring and motivational.

So thats all for now, but I hope to add to my box of wonders. Hopefully no dead creatures will make the cut though...