Tonight. And Every Night Before...

"I've got a perfect body, but sometimes I forget. I've got a perfect body, because my eyelashes catch my sweat."

I want to stop thinking. About everything. I left the party and I'm alone with my thoughts. But that's better than being around everyone. I'm a people person, I love my social time. But right now, I have to distance myself and be around others who I'm not as close with. Casual talkers and listeners. Instead of being with the people I have been surrounding myself with lately. Because I'm going to be honest, I'm at the end of my rope. I can't do this anymore. What did I get myself into? I let myself get pulled in. And now I'm stuck. What do I call them now? 'Friend' seems to casual a word. We all know that we are closer than that. Too close maybe. Can't they see what this is doing to me? Any of them? I'm holding this in even though I don't want to see anyone anymore. But I have to. I have the movie. I have to be there for people. But really, all I want is to not talk. I want to be done being open. I'm sick of over communitcating. I'm sick of being in the middle. What else can I do for any of them? I can do no more. Really. If it were simple enough that I could help them all by sitting and just spending the night. Or just being around them. That my presence could help wash away all the bad things. To make them all feel clean and new but that doesn't seem to work with any of them. I listen. I talk. But it's just not enough. So please, if any of you are reading this, realize that its killing me. I feel like all we do is talk in circles and over communicate and I want it to end more than anything. I want to go back to May. Back to April. So let me off the hook, tell me I can go home when I want now and I can breathe and I can smile around them all. Let me off the hook and tell me that I don't have to do this anymore. That they can work things out and we can all get along like we did then. But they just won't let me help. And they don't even see that. I can't do anymore whispers. I can't do anymore texts or voicemails at 4 in the morning. I can't do anymore car rides. Or I might collapse. I'm falling apart. And I'm seeing him soon and I don't think I want him to see me like this. I don't know if I want him to see them like this. When we are so close to ripping each others' heads off. Tonight, I just couldn't be around them. And so what can I do for them? Again, nothing. So don't do this to me. I won't let it happen anymore. It's no longer up to any of them, it's in my hands now. And I will always be there for them. Always. I jsut won't do this anymore. This sneaking and lying and talking behind someone's back and gossiping and talking in circles and getting nowhere. It only adds what I don't need to my life. I have other plans. I have another life that they all aren't apart of. They aren't involved in that part of me. Because none of them care enough to be. I feel like I do so much for them. I go to their parties, their band concerts, everything and more, don't I? Because I'm their friend. But I had one thing. One thing that was important to me. And they said they'd come and not one of them showed up. So yes. I'm feeling a little resentment now but please, give me one reason why I shouldn't. Is it to much to ask for them to come to one event? The worst part is, they don't even realize they did it. This isn't fair. But I continue to be here for them. And I always will be. But here's the thing: I'm not them. I'm me. And I like me. Others like me. Sometimes I forget my potential, but I never forget the people who really love me. So maybe I need more with those people, the ones who came that night. I know that's what is right for now. Until this all blows over. Because I'm worth more than what how I'm being treated. Like I'm so much younger than all of them, like I'm naive and innocent and I don't know the troubles they face. Because I've been here at least, and maybe I haven't faced exactly what they are going through but I try? If you don't want to except my help, why ask? I realize this post has taken a turn for the worst but please, like I said, I can't take it anymore. I have to remove myself from this becasue it's making me miserable. I'm tough, I've been through a lot, even if they refuse to believe that. I just don't open up my immediate problems as easily as they all do. But maybe if they had bothered to come that night, they would have learned a lot about me. That was supposed to be one of the best nights in a long time. But I won't let their complete absences ruin that memory for me, I did great things that night, and I'll continue. But I don't need them to do it. They aren't everything. Because they don't realize that I have a lot more layers to me than they have seen. I only show so much. But I don't forget who I am. Or what I value about myself. And since this all has happened, I've grow so much, whether they see it or not. I don't think they know me well enough to see a difference, but its there. Because now I won't forget that I have a perfect body, you know why? Because my eyelashes catch my sweat.

I'm me, with or without them. I want to help them, I want to continue to be there but there's only so much I can do still. But all I ask, is that they wise up and see what they're doing.





I'll be here when you want to talk about things, don't forget that.

But I'm not little. And I'm a hell of a friend. So see that.

Kelly out.