All The Things That I Can't Say

"Dear Love,
I miss you much."

My letter that says everything I can't say.

Dear Love,

It's been a while since I've been in love. Or loved anything. I was starting to think I had lost that part of me. I've been quite happy lately. But missing something. I haven't been loving life. I haven't been loving much of anything. What scares me is that doesn't bother me. Really. I've never been in love with a person. That's what I say when the conversation comes up.

But then there's you. And when I hear certain lyrics, lyrics that we've talked about together, I can't help but think about you and what we could be. What we won't ever be. Because we are so distant. In every way. And I'm inconsistant and we both act uninterested. But when we're alone together in your basement, don't you feel so comfortable, and happy? And, yeah things get awkward and I laugh myself to tears. But then we talk about things, we talk about nothing to avoid actually talking about something. And you make me feel so great when I'm with you. Like I'm at an extreme high point in my life. We're unbeatable, a great team. And you don't let me in, which only interests me more. But then I go and act uninterested or indifferent about how we haven't talked in a month. Then, all of a sudden, you come back into the picture and it's like nothing ever happened. I try to one up you by ignoring you next time. But that only hurts me more than you. Neither of us have troubles getting dates, I think that must sound overly confident but it's true, isn't it? But I've been single for a while because I can't make up my mind. I'm indecisive. .


So what are we going to do? I'm going to see you in a few weeks. Or will I? Because things always seem to interfere. I remember hearing from a third party how much you talk about me. And pretending not to care. Waving my hand like I thought it was no big deal. We still hung out. And I laughed. And nothing happened. Like always. But do I want anything to happen? We both know it would ruin a lot of things if it did. So it doesn't. It never does. It never will. Even if we both want it to. Because we are both smart people. And we both screw things up.


But you don't even know what you do to me, do you? You have me in a corner and I cant back out. Because I'm intersted in what you have to say. I want to know so much more about you but we act so causal. I don't want to be more invested than you. And to tell the truth, I don't even know you that well. Even while talking to you, I'm not any closer to knowing you. I'm curious to say the least.


So I'm already preparing for when we see each other next. I'm excited, I'm nervous. But I'll act so calm and distant. I can't even explain how dishonest that is, because I'm so intersted. And I can only say that honestly here, typing. Becasuse I know you're not going to read this. Other people will, and they will ask me who this is about. And maybe I'll tell them. Because I've never told anyone how I sometimes feel about you. Ever. Not even my best friends. Because I truly am confused about you and how I feel. I forget about you when you aren't around and sometimes you are constantly on my mind. So I just keep it to myself. Not because I'm ashamed or embarrassed, but because what's the point? I'm old enough to know most things don't work out in this situation even if I were to decide for sure that this is what I want. We'll be friends, we'll always only be friends. On and off though, because we both have other lives and everything. A few things in common won't get us anywhere. But it's a start. So I'll be your friend, even if it means getting hurt. Because I can't always get what I want. But I love talking to you. So it won't stop. And instantly when I met you, I knew that this would probably happen. And I have no idea how you really feel. Scratch that, I think I know how you feel. I think you feel the same way I do. That how we are now when we are together, what ever that is, that is all we will ever be. Sucks, huh? But in a way, that's ok.

So. Let it rain.  Because these are all the things I that I can't say. But now its said (or written I guess?). I feel better. At least you know how I feel. That if one day we can be more, I might like that. But if not, ok. Our timing was never prime.

See you soon.

Love always,
      Me