Christmas. Again...

"Look for me when the sun-bright swallow sings upon the birch bough high. But you are in the ground with the voles and the weevils all a'chew on your bones so dry...
But oh, my love, though our bodies may be parted though our skin may not touch skin, look for me with the sun-bright sparrow I will come on the breath of the wind..."

Its that time of year again.
This is when things seem happy and sad at the same time. Its the holidays. But the holidays are often a lonely affair at my house it seems. I have this wish that my whole family, aunts, unlces, and cousins, could all be together. That we could cook turkey and stuffing and bake cookies and all eat together at the table like we used to a few years ago before we lost the people at whose table we sat. So now its jst my immediate family that gathers. But in a few years, I doubt we'll even have that.

Someone once told me I was an old soul. And that I had spent my many past lives with my soul mate, an equally old soul. She said we had always been reincarnated with one another, so we could always be together. She said we were going to meet again soon. Very soon, and that I'd be taken by him immediately. She said though, that in another life, I met him, but I also met a new soul, one who was exciting and instilled the passion in me that I have for old Jane Austen romance novels, adventure, and other ancient, beautiful, and tragic things. That in this life time, it could go either way when it came to love. An old soul. Or this new soul. But I lost him already in this life. So she said I must wait. That I'd meet him again later, but that I need to wait now for the old soul now, who I was meant to be with.

Part of me wants this to be true. I want to meet this man, my 'soul mate'. Because I want to know that I have a set destination out there for me. That I'll have a family one day. Everyone wants to feel that way, I know. But I want company. I wish I could have a seperate Thanksgiving and Christmas, one with all my friends present because I just want to feel that love during the holidays. I want to have my own family one day, and I want holidays to be packed at my house, with too many people running around, and the smell of so much food baking that no one could possibly eat it all, and everyone laughing and talking and smiling. I want all my friends in one place, to be happy with them, to catch up, hear their stories and feel happy and surrounded by people. Instead of people missing the ones we are now living without. Instead of wishing that the family that I do actually have wasn't so far away, or so distant in other ways... I want the kind of holidays you see on tv. Where everyone dresses up, and just is happy to be together and to have one another. Like in A Charlie Brown Christmas when Charlie Brown gets all of the gang together and its not perfect, they end up on lawn chairs and eating popcorn as the main dish, but they are together, and thankful. And in the Christmas special, they all decorate the tree. Why can't we do that?
So I'm compling a list. And hopefully it will fulfill some of these silly holiday wishes I have. So when you all keep asking me what I want for Christmas, I'll actually have a good answer now. Things like, we have to bake cookies together, or decorate a tree together, or have a family meal with all of our friends. Have a holiday party with secret santa and we all have to dress nice. The little things. I just want the little things this year. I want you all, all of my friends, all of my family. I want you here.

The Fix.

I have homework to do.
A lot.

And I'm not doing it.
Because I can hardly think straight.
So much for time management.

Seriously?
Why am I messing everything up?
EVERYTHING.
I keep hurting the people I love.

I don't mean to.

I used to live. Just live and that was all. Things were fine. Just fine. For a long time, and it was never a problem because I never knew anything else. And suddenly I was happy. I wasn’t the old way anymore, the way I had become comfortable with. I was hanging out with people who had never felt that way. People who could stay out until 4 in the morning, no questions asked. People who had freedom in ways that I had never experienced. Not just freedom and leniency in boundaries set by their parents, but also freedom inside themselves. They had their own boundaries that seemed for them, so easy to stick to. They knew their limits, but always lived them to the full extent. They had fun. They were all friends, always together. The kind of stereotypical teenagers I imagined as a kid. The kind that I never felt I grew into. And they were just good people. They were so good and being around them; it was just a new kind of emotion and experience. So I spent my summer growing more attached to them every day. And so now I feel this pull, I feel this tug inside of me now that they are gone, like they tied a rope to my rib cage and are pulling it along as they move around so far away. I spent nearly every day with them. They made me into a person I wanted to be, a person I really liked and they saw that. And if there was one thing I could do for them, it was be that person always. When they are gone. When they are here. When I’m feeling like I’m at my worse, just to turn things around and be that person. That person who is loving and caring and selfless and good. To take that bond that I finally created with my sister and always hold onto it as my support. 

To be a good person.

That’s what they wanted from me, that’s what I want desperately, so desperately to give them.

But then they left. And I met a few new people at the start of the year. And they are god people too. They mean well. But they don’t compare. But they were causal friends. They are causal friends. And we spend time together because we are in close corners and involved in the same activities. So it was hard not to grow closer.

And then I grew closer to someone I didn't expect. And I don't know how or when we started being close, it feels so recent. But I'm glad its happened. And I feel like we get along great and like I have known him for so much longer than I really have. But I don't like the way I feel around him. I mean, I do, but I don't. I'm reckless and crazy when I'm around him. I forget to check in, I take things further than I should, I don't know when to stop and say enough is enough. But I love that I have so much fun. That I can talk to him, and vice versa. I love that we wake up every morning not knowing what we will end the day doing, whether it be epic paint fights, swimming, or just driving till we are so far from home and totally lost. But its the reasons that I hate that make me afraid to keep this up. Because I'm hurting people. They get worried. I don't blame him, its completely my fault I do these things. I just do them, I'm reckless because I like being with him, and I don't want to go home and end our nights together. And maybe everything was meant to be this way. Maybe I was supposed to meet him and have everything fall apart. Because we messed things up with each other. And now whenever I think about it, I get chills. Literal chills, that's never happened to me before. I don't know what I want, I don't know what we are supposed to do. And he needs to actually talk to me, tell me what he thinks and wants and for a minute just not think about what I'm going to say. I just can't stop being this way. I don't know what that even means, I'm just lost about everything.

I'm tired of attention. I want to blend back into the details. I'm sure that sounds bad, like I'm giving myself a backdoor compliment or whatever it's called. But really. I need some people to lay off. They hover around me and seek my attention and I can't deal with it. Or they watch me like hawks afraid I might break down at the mention of Michael or Danny's names b/c they think I can't handle them all leaving. Sometimes I want to do my work without random people texting me 10 times a day. Maybe I don't want to hang out with anyone this weekend. I am warning everyone who is reading this. I'm making my family life the biggest priority right now. I need to repare that. I have messed so many things up in my life that I just need to repare all the damage I have caused. I'm finally taking responsibilty, full, not half hearted anymore. So, everyone, don't make me your first priority. Because I'm not in the mood to disappoint anyone else. I love you all, it's just I need to fix the things that are most important to me.

And I am still staying in touch with my other friends, the ones who left. But it’s beginning to get more and more painful to talk to them. Knowing I won’t see them tomorrow. Or over the weekend. Or even next month. And that scares me more than anything. I’m just feeling lonely. The more I feel them slipping away, the more I feel that the glimpse of the better me is slipping away too. I shouldn’t need them in order to be the best me. But I’m not as strong as some people. And now, finding myself closer to these new people and I don’t want that. I don’t want to hang out with them. Because now I’m reckless, and I don’t have that fall back routine I could always count on. Now I wake up every morning and I don’t know what I’m going to end up doing, even when I like what I'm doing, I'm worried it might upset others. I make more mistakes than I can count. I disappoint the people I can’t afford to alienate, the people I love. I am self-aware, but I have lost my self-control. I miss those other people so much, I don’t want to sit at home and think about them, or about my family and my role in ruining it. I don’t want to think. So I don’t. I stop. I keep moving around, never staying too long so I don’t have to think. I want, want, want. Because I have so much and I still have that unsatisfied hole in me. The hole that knows I’m missing out on something big and I just don’t know what. It scares me that I might not find out what that is. So I do random, unplanned, reckless things with people hoping I’ll find it. But I haven’t found it. I haven’t found what I felt this summer. What I felt just sitting around in Michael’s basement, the whole gang just watching movies. Or practicing the dance with Danny in my living room. Or venting at Panera with Kaitlin, Tom and Rachel. Or getting a hug from one of them, knowing that they really do love me. Because they did. They loved me and knowing that is what made me that better person. The one I need to see more often. And they are gone. Hundreds of miles away. Living new lives. My friends are gone. And I disappointed the ones who are still here. And I don’t know how to fix it. But I have to.

Sneak Peak

This is a little story I have been writing.

Niebieski

 

When a flower blooms, it is perfect. It is opening up to the day as if completely cleansed, though it’s not at the beginning of its life and has already passed through many stages, it is now pure again. It will be facing new challenges and struggling for survival. It will be blemished and the delicate petals that surfaced at the bloom will be penetrated in some way or another. It will never be as pure as it was in that one state. But some seeds or buds never make it to the blossoming stage. There can be nothing as perfect as that new bud opening up and finally being something more beautiful than before, finally reaching its peak and potential. When it was just a bud it was pure and young, but it wasn’t at its prime, it was merely getting started and had no idea the hardships and changes it would face, it wasn’t self-aware. But how could it have been? It’s still imperfect as a bud, there is still a chance for it to fail, but it isn’t until the bloom that those imperfections are truly seen, valued, and appreciated. They are appreciated because the bloom itself is a sign of life and it is a miracle. We are all born with original sin. We are born fresh, new to this world, but we carry a weight on our shoulders. We all reach our ‘bloom’, our ‘peak’ at different points. We reach our prime when we can wash that original sin from our bodies, when we are faced with it and expel it, when our imperfections and humanity shine through but compliment us rather than down size our potential.

The Niebieski flower blooms every evening as the sun sets. Its petals close during the lighted hours of day and open only to the night sky. They have an almost translucent look to them, yet still glow blue and sparkle along the veins of 6 foot long foliage. These flowers grow on Niebieski trees at the ends of the branches. It is a backwards photosynthesis. The Niebieski flowers are energized by the rays reflected by the moon. They are often referred to as Moon Flowers. They do not bloom just once; they bloom every night like new. So no blemish, no injury or penetration of any sort will withstand through the day time hours. By the next night, the petals and the entire flower will be pure and new. Fresh.

But not much is known about these Moon Flowers. The Niebieski Trees and flowers only grow when surrounded by Murk. Many mistake it for water but it is not. A black substance, it is lighter than water and a deep black in color. Gathered at the bottom of a Murk pond is Dust from the veins of Niebieski Flowers and when reacting with Murk, Dust will create a glow throughout the ground, returning itself to the roots of Niebieski Trees and through to the Flowers.  The process is continuous and is therefore a cycle replenishing itself. The perfect, flawless system.

The glow of a Niebieski Tree is mesmerizing. Literally. It is hard to look away from a Niebieski Tree or Flower. Even Murk is entrancing. The glow will catch your eye and you will always find yourself looking back in the direction of the Moon Flowers’ glow. Yet so little is known about these curious life forms. They have become a product of the State, a tourist attraction used to take advantage of the curiosity of people. Tour guides lead groups out to the Murk where they come to a bridge and will not carry on any further. The groups will be told it is for the environmental safety of the Niebieskies but that is a lie.

When the Niebieski Flower was first discovered an Environmental Science Professional, James Gord and his partner William B. Hensworth set out to collect samples of Murk and Niebieski bark, nectar and petals. Upon arriving at the roots of the Niebieski Tree, Hensworth noticed an insect of an unidentified species hovering around Gord’s head. Seeing the bug, Gord became interested and in the moment, all interest turned to obsession.

Hensworth described the experience as such, “Gord saw the insect. He wanted to collect it in a vile as a sample to take back to the lab; we hadn’t even gotten any of the other samples so I just started on the Niebieskies. I always like to look at those Moon flowers, and that Murk. It’s beautiful. I could look at it forever. But when I turn away I… I always forget what it was like to look at it and so I look at it again… And then it’s the same thing. I only want to look at the Niebieskies. Nothing else seems important. And since I can never remember the joy of looking at the Niebieskies once I turn away, I want to take one with me. I want to take the flowers and keep them for myself. So I picked one of the Flowers right off the branch, it didn’t come off easy but I got it. But it didn’t glow anymore… It just looked like a leaf. And that happened each time I tried to take a Flower. It just wouldn’t work… Why? I just wanted a Flower… I don’t know why I snapped out of it then but that’s when I noticed the insect and Gord was already walking towards it, un-phased by the Trees or Flowers. He just followed that bug. He kept saying ‘I know, I won’t ever get this chance again. I have to go’ and I tried to keep him from going into the woods because I kept losing sight of him. It was ghost like. He would be there one minute while I tried to get samples and then he’d be gone because he wanted to follow that damn bug. And I was still fixated on the stupid Flower and at some point he really was gone and I went back into some trance, obsessed with getting a Moon Flower until I came to back at the hospital… I don’t remember anything else that happened”

Of the 13 people that went out in the search party for Dr. Gord, only four returned. Their experiences were described quite similarly as Dr. Hensworth’s. They would become entranced by the Flowers, Murk or this insect (later named the Konec Bug). The pull of energy that draws a person to these grows weaker at a distance. Bridges along the edge of a Murk pond are just close enough to keep tourists captivated and wanting to get closer without an obsessive pull. Their eyes and thoughts will wander curiously back to the beauty of Niebieskies but it will not over power them.
                               

Tour guides leading Niebieski seeking groups are not trained extensively. Those with interest in learning more about the species have the career option of joining the NRF (Niebieski Research Foundation). Here, they go through a two week training process before they are let out alone to visit a Niebieski Tree and witness the bloom of a Flower. This is a test and to pass it, one must return. Once a member of the NRF, you will participate in monthly outings to Niebieski Trees and Murk ponds where people have been reported missing. The mission of your group is to find evidence of what might have happened. Today, no more than 650 people are members of the NRF in the entire world. I am one of them. The details of my experience with Niebieskies are irrelevant to my story however, all incidents I have witnessed seem miniscule when next to the Group 17 Incident.

Tour groups go through waiting periods before they may be accepted into our system and permitted to see a Niebieski Flower, some travelers come to see the Flowers again and again. But there is a limit. In order to prevent obsession and casualties, the NRF conducts personal surveys on all those wishing to apply for entrance into a tour group. They are asked to answer questions that will give us an idea of their personality and will power. They are put into groups with others that will complement their personality type and with a specialist tour guide trained in dealing with them.

I am a Raske Tour Guide. I real with Raske, or difficult personality types. These are the people who are determined usually to get closer to the Niebieskies and will push their limits, the people who are strong willed but easily lead astray by curiosity. Group 17 was my Raske tour group I led out to the Niebieski fields. I don’t remember the date of the tour or what I was wearing or even the names of the people in my group, but I remember their backgrounds from the survey.

Four people were in my group, Raske Groups usually have the smallest numbers. A girl with soft blonde hair and freckles was in this group. She couldn’t have been older than seventeen. A big man, muscles excentuated through his tight shirt, stayed by her side most of the tour though their records showed they’d never met before. A brown haired boy, around nineteen carried around a pencil and paper, scribbling away madly and taking notes, interrupting me to add in his own facts about Niebieskies. And the last member was David, I remember his name because he was my trainee, a young, nervous man of about 25 who was going through NRF training.

 

 

Tune in later for more!!!!

One Sunday Morning

This is how I tell him
Oh, but it's long
One Sunday Morning
Oh, one son is gone.
I can see where it's dawning
Over the sea
My father said what I had become
No one should be.
Outside I look lived in
Like bones in a shrine
How am I forgiven?
Oh I'll give it time.
In silence without warning
Holding my brow
In time he thought I'd kill him
But I didn't know how.
I said it's your God I don't believe in
No, your Bible can't be true
Knocked down by the long life
He cried out, I fear what waits for you.
I can hear those bells
Spoken and gone
I feel if I feel well
Now he knows he was wrong.
I am cold for my father
Frozen underground
Jesus I wouldn't bother
He belongs to me now.
Something sad keeps moving
So I wandered around.
I fell in love with the burden
Holding me down.
Bless my mind, I miss
Being told how to live.
What I learned without knowing
How much more I owe
Than I can give.
This is how I tell him
Oh, but it's wrong
One Sunday morning
One son is gone
Wilco

I can't explain how much I will miss you, Ally. I love you so much. I say it a lot, but I mean it more than I can explain. I'm so angry that you are being taken away from me. But I'm happy for you, I'm excited for you, getting to go off and live these new adventures that you deserve. But I'm scared to be left here. Because I don't know if I will be able to handle things as well as you. I'm so scared. I'm going to feel so lost without you. I love you so much, you model who I am more than you realize. It hurts to see you go. But you have earned this, you will be happy, and so that makes a part of me happy. But I'm selfish, and I'll want you here. I know that can't happen. So have fun, please, for me. Enjoy it. I love you.

I can't explain how much I will miss you, Michael, Danny, Rachel, and Tom.
You guys are... I don't even know. I'll miss you like crazy and I already feel lonely and sad without you at school. But like Ally, I'm excited for you. But I want you to come back. I'm not ready for you guys to leave me yet, I've been trying to prepare all summer but it's only made me closer to you. I love you all. So much more than I can say in this blog. And I wish I could articulate it but I can't. Just know that I do care about yo all. You've done so much for me, things I can't repay you for, things I wish I could explain. But I just can't. All I can say is thank you. For everything. For this summer, for the lessons and for your friendship. I experienced a kind of friendship this past year that I had never before. So I really wish the best for all of you in life. Just please, don't forget about me.

Tom. Oh, Tom. Seriously, I better get calls every week. I will be visiting you at least once a month. When you come home, I expect visits. We WILL NOT lose touch. You are one of my best friends. Ever. I mean that. I have told you everything. I can't say that about a lot of people. You are actually probably the only one who knows this much about me. You are such a genuine person, the best kind I will ever meet. Your personality is fun and refreshing, you're original. You are great. You know me inside and out, and I'm going to miss that. I'll miss your advice, your insight, and how I can call you and just talk whenever I need to. I'll miss the feeling I get when I can help you. You make me a better person. You are funny. You are the best. I just need you to know that when you leave, I'm not going to let you slip away. I care about you enough to not let that happen. You've changed my life, and I don't even care if that sounds stupid, but really. You are an amazing person. You are who I go to always. You will be happy. I just know it. You deserve it. You deserve the best. I feel like none of this is doing justice to you. Again, I can't artculate it. But i hope you know how great you are. Because this is the kind of thing that doesn't come around often. I feel like you are so epic, you're going to do great things. I have no doubt in my mind. This sounds so bad, but really words fail to describe the kind of person you are. Other people are going to see that though. In college, people will notice, you will have so many friends. And people are going to appreciate you. I can't wait to hear more of your stories. I am proud to call you my friend.
But I'm terrified of losing you. I lose a lot of things. You know the stories. And it's been a while since I cared about some enough to actually be this afraid of losing them. I know Ally and I will be fine, she is my sister, we will always be there for each other. You and I say we will be, but it scares me that that might not be the case always. Everyone has people who let them down, I know I'm not the only stupid teenage girl who feels this way, but that doesn't mean my fears aren't real or justififiesd. So, please, stick with me!!!!!

Being back at school, I'm seeing a lot of people. But I feel lonelier than before. The dates are approaching when I really do have to watch you guys go. I did so many things just fine before I knew all of you. But I'm a lot different now. And now I feel like I can't do anything without thinking of you all leaving, and how I'm staying here. Ahg. I'm listening to a lot of Wilco lately too so that probably doesn't help.

Don't forget about me.
Seriously.

I hope you all have as much fun at college as I did this summer with you.

The past few nights I have been out late at a local art studio and art therapy center called Artisticology. I have been honored to be selected as one of the artists working on a 10 foot piece to be displaed in the new World Class Performing Arts Center in Downtown Dundee. Apparantly this piece will be displayed for years (the director of the project said 50 years but I don't know if that's true). Architects who have worked on projects around the world (including lighting and acoustics in Versailles) are coming in to help design this building. It will be home to recording studios, art galleries, a 250 seat auditorium, etc. This place could really turn around a community, it's a great opportunity. This Friday is the Fundraiser to promote the project, 200 guests have been invited to "donate big money" and as one of the participants in the painting, I have been asked to attend to mingle and discuss witht the guests why the arts are important and talk about the new building. There will be live music, a jazz pianist from the city, vocal jazz group, dancers and improv groups. It seems like a pretty classy event. I like the people I have met while working on this. I feel so honored to be able to be apart of this. It truly is something great.
But one of the best people I've met through this is Trisha. She is the Artist and Art Therapist that I've been meeting with to plan the painting. She is like the grown up version of me in some ways. She owns her own business where she rents out space to artists, runs classes and workshops and practices art therapy with patients here and there while still keeping up with her own art on the side. That's kinda my dream. I want to have my own art studio one day. I want to be a councilor and help people through my love of art and music. And being in her studio just is so relaxing, the brick walls and unmatching chairs, old style suitcases as storage and paint everywhere is just my style. We both love mixed media art and share the same views on a lot of topics. It's another new experience, and I just love it.
We talked tonight about what it has been like for me this past month at my new job. About the moral dellemas it's caught me in, the unethical actions and behaviors of my coworkers. The strain its put me in with my family. She found herself in the same position in a job in the past and deals with patients facing the same things. And talking with her, and my dad and thinking it over myself, I realized I really am in quite a pickle.
I have only had this job for a month. But it caused me to miss out on vacation, family days, going away parties for friends, and it makes me miserable. When I met the boss, my coworkers, I liked them. I thought they were pretty vulgar, but I could handle it. But the more aquainted I've become the more I realized that this is not where I belong, in a place where everyone is treated poorly, I'm yelled at for things that aren't under my controll. I constantly feel pressured to do the wrong thing, I witness unethical behavior and feel morally conflicted. I walk on pins and needles, fearing anything I might say could get me fired. I can't ask for time off, I get held up for 2 hours after my shift ends with no pay, I work 8 and a half hour days with only a 20 minute break. On days I have to work, I feel so anxious, I hate going in. Its awful. And when I do get time with my friends, I can't even enjoy it because all I cant think about is how I'll have to go into work and be miserable. I have coworkers saying completely out of line an inapropriate things to me constantly, and here's the thing. I can handle language and vulgarity, but when innapropriate comments are directed at me, whether they be joking or not, I never react well. Maybe it's one of those things I just need to get over or whatever, but either way, I can't deal with it.
I felt trapped. I honestly had it in my mind that I couldn't just quit. What would they think of me if I quit? But then it occured to me, I don't like most of these people, if I quit, odds are I'll never see them again. Why should I care what they think? And nothing is keeping me there, I have a choice. I can leave whenever and its not up to them, it's up to me. I could quit and my misery would be over. I can get by with $20 a week from my parents. I'll budget. I babysit. And by this time, I've realized that the pros out weighed the cons and I knew it was time to end it. So I handed in my 2 week notice and I feel like I can breathe.
And then I drove over to Artisticology. I told Trisha about my little apifany and what I had done. And I painted, and had a wonderful time. And even though I have one week left I feel so happy already. I thought the job was going to give me freedom and independence but it was the opposite. Its not the commitment that I dislike, it's the work place. I learned from it though.
1.) The corporate world is not for me
2.) Never rush into anything
3.) My Dad is good at leading me to the right decisions
4.) People aren't always as good as they seem, so don't be too quick to judge
5.) You're never stuck, you can always choose to do something else. There is always another option.

So I'm still continuing my plan to be happy this year, and I think it's going pretty well. School starts up again next week. Trisha told me I can come into the studio any time I want and she will even keep me down to come in once in a while and help out when she is short on staff. I might get the chance at a babysitting job soon for a great family. I have a wonderful support system of friends and family and a budding relationship. Its time to be happy.
It's funny how things work out when you decide to let them.

Take Me There

this is what i think about sometimes and don't say out loud.

 This is how i've felt.

this is where i want to be.

 Enough said.
Take me there.

In a show called Reaper, a young man has to collect escaped souls for the devil in order to free his own soul that his parents unknowingly sold before his birth. In said show, the depict the DMV as the earthly connection and passage to hell. I always thought that was funny. But recently, I found out that that is far from the truth.
I've been to the DMV. It's not that bad.
Lab Corp.
The drug testing center of America.
Never go there.
Ever.
If a job ever requires you to get tested, quit right then and there.
It was one of the worst days of my life.
That might be a little dramatic. I mean the worst kind of average day. The kind of day where you spill all over your new shirt or get a nose bleed while talking to the boy you like or flunking a test (all of which have classified as worst average days of my life). Not the kind of day where you mentally fall apart because your life has been abruptly changed for the worse. This day, Lab Corp day was a bad, bad day.
It started with having to cancel plans with a friend. I had a doctors appointment and a drug test. The driving distance would probably cause these small errands to last all day. The first doctors appointment (a simple sports physical) passed uneventfully, followed by lunch with my mom and sisters. An average day.
But then I had the drug test with mean, grumpy polish nurses who spoke too loudly. They yelled at me, making me nervous so of course, I couldn't pee. Not very original, but I just couldn't pee. So, naturally, they yelled at me some more. I couldn't pee still. They were so awful about everything, they grabbed me by my arm multiple times and quite forcefully. I'm not a criminal, I'm not there for any illegal reasons, it was merely an innocent pre-employment drug test.Yet they treated me like I had personally wronged them in some way, like my wrong actions had led me to this place, like I was guilty of something.
There were other people there who were being tested too. They scared me, I'm sorry but it's true. Maybe they were there for the same reasons as me but maybe not. They looked miserable and worn down. Their lips were white and their eyes had circles under them. And they stared. Like, unnervingly.
But then I realized I shouldn't look at them the way I was. Feeling sorry for them and afraid of them. The nurses were doing that to me. It made me feel awful. They didn't know why I was there, they just treated me bad no matter what. They judged me, and that is no one's right. I was judging these people. I came up with their life stories in my head. But truthfully, we were all in the same boat. We were all being yelled at in polish by short, blonde women, We were all peeing into a cup while 5 other people listened at the not fully closed door. It might not seem like a big deal, but those were things i had in common with these people. People I have never met, people I'll probably never speak to or ever see again. But they were people right? God's children. And therefore, they should receive my love. They don't have to earn it or deserve it, they just have it. Do as Jesus does. Jesus saved me before I was even born, he loved me before I was even thought of. As a Christian, I'm doing my best everyday to try and do what Jesus did. I try to go out and love. To heal and help anyone who needs it, to spread God's love to others. I don't usually discuss religion unless I need to. I like to listen to others discuss it though. I spread love, God's love, when I listen to what people have to say, when I'm there for them, when they need someone or even if it's just holding the door open for someone or giving a hug. I do it in the name of God while being anonymous. I want to be a good person, not just a good christian. I believe you can be a good person without being a good christian. I live by the golden rule.

Do onto others as you would have them do onto you.

I had a fall out with a good friend a few weeks ago. It hurt. And I didn't say a lot of things I wanted to say, not because they were bad things, but because I didn't want to hurt him in anymore than he already felt I had. He thinks I hurt him. He hurt me. So I am sorry if I hurt you. I'm sorry things ended the way they did. I'm sorry you said some of the things you said, because it can't be taken back. I forgive you, but now I feel like I know better than I used to. But I'm done being angry. Your words stick with me. They make me sad. But you didn't loose my love. You didn't loose it because you could have never ever earned it. It was just given to you. As it should have been. There is nothing you could do that would cause me to take away that love, I hope you know that. I can't be angry anymore, now I just feel hurt. But where there is love, there is healing and forgiveness. You might not want it or care even, but you have it. Everything that happened that night was awful. But it was human, I don't think it was right, but it happened and it can't be taken back so what's the point in staying mad at you? You are a person, just like me and those people at Lab Corp. Those nurses might have been having a bad day, you might have been having a bad day that night. We are all in he same boat, aren't we? Trying to live and make it through day to day. I didn't like the way the nurses treated me, but so what? I can only learn from that experience. It sounds corny but Jesus loves them so so should I, Jesus lives inside them so I need to treat them as if I were faced right then and there with Jesus himself. Besides, they help me get my job by proving that I'm drug free. They helped me and now they are done being a part of my life. You helped me. But I guess it was you who wanted to be done being apart of my life. I can accept that. If that's what you think is best.

The day I went to Lab Corp was not a good day but it taught me a lot. The night I went to talk with you was not a good night but it taught me a lot. It was one of the worst nights. But it was a test. I hope you know that I'm sorry for whatever I did, but I just don't understand still what caused any of it. What did I do to lose your love?
I am not perfect. But I try to be a person I'd like to know.
I'm glad I knew you.
Bye.


Oh, and Cindy deserves a shout out. I love you too!!!

Better Late Than Never?

Well. Unexpected. That's all I can say about you.
I'm not really sure what to feel.
Are we a thing?
I hate that term.
Are we dating?
One date, and the car broke down and nearly left us stranded on Randall.
I was trying to act calm, but you knew I was freaking out.
And then we saw a movie and sat too close and it made me wonder what we were doing.
And then you and I went to the mall and sat at the fountain.
Slowly, our feet made their way in.
Then our legs.
Then our bodies.
And are you serious?
Dance in a fountain?
Okay.
And then you put your arm around me and kissed my forehead.
And then my mouth.
And then my mind went like this:
He kissed me.
Oh my gosh.
That shouldn't have happened.
Why not?
There's nothing wrong with that.
He's so cute.
But relationships, they go like this for me:
I like you.
Wow, this is actually happening.
Do I really want this?
Yes.
No.
Yes.
No.
Maybe?
I hate people.
I want to love people.
What is everyone going to think?
I'll ask.
I'll only tell my BEST friends.
Okay, well they're all my best friends so I have to tell each of them.
Some of them like the idea.
Some don't.
Most do.
Which makes me then over think.
Oh no.
What did I get myself into?
Don't be more invested than he is.
I really like him.
I need to break up with him.
Why?
I just do.
Start a stupid fight.
I never talk to him the same way again.


It's all too teenage to handle.


When you went to hold my hand I made it severely awkward.
Not on purpose.
I'm just like that and you'll have to wait for me to grow comfortable enough around you for me to act completely natural.
I've told you things I don't tell people often.
We were friends.
I hope we still can be even if more is added to our relationship.
We went down to the lake and made bird calls.
Only with you would I end up doing that.
We talked about serious stuff on the way home.
College.
Work.
Family.

This is how it went:

Are you going to tell your family?
Tell them What?
About us.
Well I guess. I told them we were just friends though. I guess we were.
Well now that's different, right? You should tell them. I'd like to meet them. And do the whole interview thing with your Dad.
*Gulp*Yeah... Okay. If I get that job, we'll be working right next to each other.
I'll come visit you.
*Is seriously happening???* And I'll visit you.


You may never know this, but at that moment the freshman girl inside of me was jumping up and down.
I had it bad for you back then.
Like, walk-out-of-my-way-in-the-hallway-to-see-you even though a junior like you probably would only ever want to be friends.
So I gave up sophomore year on my hopes.
And one day you came and sat down next to me at lunch and just stayed everyday after that and my heart skipped a beat and I thought you had sat at the wrong table by accident.
We can at least be friends, I thought.
And then today happened and whoa.
Unexpected. That's all I can say.
But maybe I can also say I like you.
Here typing.
Because I'm supposed to be honest, right?
And I have a hard time being honest about my feelings.
Or showing affection or even speaking it around people.
Or just out loud.
Or letting people know.
Especially my family.
I know some of my family reads this.
So... That's my way of showing that maybe I can get over my weird fear of people knowing my emotions for you.

You kissed me in front of my sister.
That was big for me.
It's stupid but wow.
I don't do that.
I have never ever been brave enough to let people see me kiss.
It makes me second guess my feelings.
When they're all out in the open for everyone to see.
And I won't lie, after you left I freaked out.
But I can't sleep now.
So I've been thinking.
You're going to be in college come September.
I don't know if this will last that long.
But I'm willing to give this a shot?
I'm usually not so good at relationships.
Really actually I'm pretty bad.
I'll have to tell you about him.
It wouldn't be fair not to.
I'll probably have to tell other things too.
I guess that's how this works.

You kissed me.
And we'll have a lot to sort out given the circumstances.
But...
I guess it's better late than never.
Right?

It's Their Story, Not Mine Anymore.

It's about a boy named Graham Harris. He shares his story with a girl named Ella Mentry. The movie we are making and all talking about is their story.

Graham:
is a boy. And his first love, Mar, drowned when he wasn't there. And now he sees her ghost. He does things like volunteer at libraries and at public places, as assistants to struggling companies and independent musicians. He does it to keep a busy life. To keep from thinking about Mar. But then he meets Ella. And he falls hard for her, but struggles with his remaining loyalty to Mar. But there is also this song. It's called Marie Antoinette Discovers Plaid. And Ella's friends become Graham's friends. And they want to do everything mentioned in the song. Like stand still for an hour. Put something into space. Make a feast out of cupboard supplies. Build a shelter for a storm. Paint themselves a new color. They want to prove they are as free as the song says they could be. But trying so hard might push problems away. Until everything blows up.

Ella:
is a girl. And her brother Jacob died. He had luekemia. And once that happened, her parents divorced and remaired and had more children with different spouces that didn't have cancer. And so what about Ella? She won't talk about things. She has a strict policee of only talking about nothing. She rollerblades everywhere. She paints. She plays ukulele in a band called the Lesbian Bondage Fiasco. And the boys fall hard for her. But she has a hard time falling for anyone. She doesn't push them away, or act uninterested or play hard to get. She just does what she has learned, hides her feelings. And her cautiousness is mistaken for cold-heartedness and neglect. But Graham can see through that because Graham is like Ella.


So, will they be able to fall in love or will everything get in the way? Everything meaning 'life'.

This story is really important to me. Each character reflects a part of life, not necessarily my life, but a part of a life that I have witnessed. And I tried to put that into a logical story best I could. I think it's about time that I explained where this all came from. It all started to get away from me around page 36. It became their story, Graham, Ella, Ben, Jessa, and Tom's story, not mine.
Each character is a point of veiw of some personality type that I have known. Ella is portrayed in ways that can make her seem like that girl. That girl who every guy falls for, that has them wrapped around her finger, who toys with their emotions and throws them away when she is done with them. The girl that is friends with so many guys but hardly speaks, just because all the girls hate her. We have all witnessed a girl like that. Right? But I have seen other sides to that girl. Sides that say that she has substance to her personality. That things she does, things that are taken as selfish or manipulative aren't meant to be so. That sometimes their bluntness is only honesty. They need to be given a chance or not judged so quickly.
Graham is that guy that a lot of girls probably liked but he was always oblivious to because he was so in love with that one girl, Mar that no one else ever thought was anything special. He saw so much more in her than others. And when she was torn from his life, he couldn't get over it. Even now, in love with a girl that is so different from Mar, a girl that gets him into trouble, a girl that he loves more that he ever loved Mar, he struggles with letting her death go. In time, he understands that he shouldn't "just let it go" and that it will always be apart of him. He is that guy that will love a girl until the end, and even still then if he knows it's right. He is and in-the-moment kind of guy. He wants to talk about things right now and here that Ella loves him too and do everything for her. He wants her, he wants to hug her and hold her and kiss her and know that she is his. He knows she only belongs to herself, but all he wants is his emotions to be returned. He is the guy that every girl will meet in college and be curious about, but he will be Ella's completely and that will amaze everyone that two people, so aimiable will only ever always belong to each other. They will be that couple that fits together like a jigsaw puzzel. That relationship that everyone wants.
Ben is that guy that thinks there is only one girl for him, Ella. And Ella only ever wanted to be friends. But she isn't ignorant to his intentions. She just blocks them over and over again, letting him know that he is only a friend. She is honest with him from the start. Ben is the guy that needs to realize he doens't love the girl he thinks he does, he needs to realize that he isn't what's most important to her but the fact hat he is apart of her life should be enough if he truly loves her in some way.

 Can they all make it through the summer?

Can I?

This movie will be the death of me I swear. But it might just be the glue that is holding us all together. Don't you think so? It makes me sad, seeing the two of them like this. It makes me sad to see her so at ends with your emotions. It maked me sad to see him so unsure of himself, so hard on himself. It makes me sad to see him try to hide what he is really feeling and his distance and conflict with his best friend. It makes me sad to act like we're in love when we're not. Because "...this is not about love. And I am not in love, in fact I can't stop falling out..." Because Graham is a guy that I would love. But the actor playing Graham is not. He is not that person to me. He is a great friend and a great actor. He is a person who is going through a lot and I'm trying to help. So acting like I love him and he loves me hurts another girl. It's not real. I know it and he knows it and she knows it. It's only acting. It won't pull us apart, it will just test our limits.
And one cast member has already been lost. I don't really know what to say on that topic. Except that it was an unfortunate ending.
I'm sorry to any cast members that I nag about their characters, it's just I feel like I know them so well and I hope that the story is portrayed by them exactly (or at least as close to) how I imagined them. I just spent so long contemplating whether or not I even want to set this into motion.
See, I spent a lot more time than people realized when it came to casting.
Why Danny for Graham?
He looks the part, he can act the part well. And he joined drama club his junior year? But he has never gotten a lead, and I've always been surprised by that. I thought he had the potential, and seeing him now, I know he has the potential. It's wonderful, to see such talent emerge and show itself from this modest guy who always talks about how honored he is to have this role. Danny, I'm honored that you agreed to play Graham because I can honestly think of no one I'd rather act beside these nest few weeks.
Why Tom for Tom?
Because your character is the basis for you. My you. I love you and you know that. Ella subtly mentions Tom in most of her scenes, about how as family he is always there for her no matter what, and that even if their relationship seems subtle to outsiders, they are the only two that truly understand the depth. Tom, you apear in my life less than I would like. You are that one person I feel like I can always go to. You tell it to me straight! You always tell me "in a relationship, you are the classic example of a bitch who wants the guy to be theirs but doesn't want the guy to say you are his." It is totally true and I love you for your honesty and I'm not sure I can say that about anyone else. You give great advice and I don;t know what I'd do without you. You provide insight to my crazy rants or when I'm freaking out at 3 in the morning. I want you to know, I will do the same for you. I want you to feel how I feel, like you have someone to go to. I'm always here. Our relationship is protrayed through Ella and Tom as family because I consider you apart of my family. Family is the people you love, not just relation by blood. I say I love you and I meant it even if you can't say it back. You are one of my best friends. Don't ever underestimate yourself.
Why Kaitlin for Jessa?
Kaitlin. My dear dear Kaitlin. How long have you known each other? 11 years? But how long have we known each other? About a year? And I wanted you to play Ella because of the Danny situation, but he brought a new light to the idea. It would not be a good idea for him and his girlfriend (at the time) to fake a chemistry that they didn't have. Completely understandable. But now Danny and I are faking chemistry and how is that different? Its different because our chemistry is as friends. Your chemistry is as natural as people in general. As a couple, as friends, as people. You get along, you loved each other more than I have seen between two people at your ages. And Ella and Graham aren't you. You two are perfect now, even if there are problems. And I don't know if your relationship could withstand that type of faking because, for me at least, the dialogue is all too real. So I cast you as Jessa. Jessa and Graham get along, they stand up for each other and instantly hit it off. They are honest and can pull off the friendship that most guys and girls couldn't. They have perfect chemistry, just like the two of you. And I know how much the situation is killing you but now, I think this is for the best. You working on the friend thing now, and I'm hoping that having you act it for the movie will help you both apply it to real life. I hope that he can go to college and keep your relationship as friends. I hope it all works out because being so close to both of you, I feel like your worries are mine. I want nothing but happiness for you two and I know you are a great actress and will be a great V.P for Drama Club.
Why Rachel for Mar?
You are always behind the scenes. Girl, it's time to get a taste of the spotlight. You are the highest ranking member of drama club at Jacobs and you deserve a role better than any role I could ever make for you. But I hope this will suffice.
Why Aubrey for Regan?
You are such a great actress and I really am honored that you actually want to be involved in this! I would love to be closer to you. And you will be playing one of my best friends so it will be fun!
Why Lisa for Claire?
You do so much for this movie, I can't even explain. Filming is better, much more fun on days that you are there. I wish I had a bigger role to give you. But alas, this is what I can do. You are an astounding, complelling actress and a great friend. So I know you will have no trouble portraying Claire.
Why my friends for Ella's friends?
They are apart of me, a huge part and this film is keeping me from them. It takes up so much time, time that I could be with them. But they have been so understanding and supportive. So intersted in the process and wanting to be apart of it that I really couldn't ask for a better group of people.
And why me for Ella?
I am not a great actress, no modesty there, just truth. But I know these characters better than anyone, its from my head. And it is so important to the story line that Ella's character is played just right. Not that I think I'm the actress best equiped to take on such a role, no way, it's just that I know her best and have this idea in my head of how she should act and I can't explain it very well to others so I'm afraid I won't get the point across.

I know this is just a silly little project. But it's so much more than that to me. I'm so particular and aware of details when it comes to this movie I'm making. So forgive me if I'm going crazy or acting weirf even off set, but I'm literally obsessing. It's always on my mind, or at least in the back of my mind. It needs to live up to my standards, to everyone else's expectations. So thanks for being here and putting up with me everyone. I love you all, I know whoever is reading this is someone I love. I want you to know that I'm aware of the support I'm given, even if I don't always show it, but I love you and wish the best for you. Be patient with me, that's all I need, and I know you all are, so thank you. I am as free right now as I ever need to be, unlike my characters, I do not need to chase down the idea of freedom through the words of others. I have found it in all of you who love and support me.

I'm Glad You Asked.

The Job Hunt

So I've been having a heck of a summer. To say the least. One of the many things that has kept me so busy is the job hunt. I have been wanting a job, not needing, just wanting one very badly. But no one wants to hire me... Why? WHY?! I actually am not curious as to why because I know very well why I am not a desirable candidate for anything. I have absolutely no skills or experience and I'm of no use to society. The past 16 years I've literally only been absorbing and taking things I didn't work for. But so have most of my peers. There have been a few places in this area that have felt sorry enough for me to at least give me an interview. And wow. Have those gone bad, or what? Before you read any further watch this video.

Deadkevinsketch

My friends have recently gotten me hooked on these videos and before my interview at Buffalo Wild Wings, I thought I'd sit and watch a few to get my mind off things. Unfortunately, this did not help my reactions at my interview. After every question I had to remind myself not to begin my answer with "I'm glad you asked". This is how it went.

Me:   Hello!

Interviewer:   Hi. So, what do you think you have to offer this company?

Me:   Uhm. Well, I uhm... I think. I uhm. I'm a good, a good worker. Who uh. Can be a team player. Ha sports. And cuz this is a sports bar. I don't do anything, I mean I finsh, I don't do things half way... I did a project for Espanol tres when my cumpanero was in France. So she, I new the grading scale was uhm, it would be fine if I didn't do the whole thing because Senora said so and but then I did it.

Interviewer:  Ok then? Well. How do you handle stress?

Me:  Oh. Well if my family history is, I know that stress is bad, and my great grandma went gray at 19 and so then that probably wasn't from stress. I, you know, yoga helps since I don't want to go gray, I do yoga. Chemistry is a stressfull class so I had a gray hair, but I cut it. Then my hair looked bad. But I mean, what, the point is I am good at stress, with stress I mean. Uhm I'm acting weird aren't I?

Interviewer:              *Laughs awkwardly* I hate yoga.

Me:    Why?

Interviewer:  I can't do any of the positions.

Me:  Oh, well anyone can really, you just have to practice!

Interviewer:   Well I'm not going to because I hate it.

Me:   Oh well ok.

Interviewer:   So you're one of those girls that's into yoga and stuff. How refreshing. Oh wait...

Me:                          *Uncontrolled fit of nervous laughter lasting about 3 minutes*

(Later in the interview)

Interviewer:   Well you seem like a perfectionist.

Me:  Oh, but well. It's a. Uhm I like to be on top, I mean of like on top of things, not in th other way... (That's what she said?) Uhm! Yeah, well no. I'm an art and music student and I guess well you know. Like, I can toally appreciate and except people who are, well like anything. I. Mean. I. Can. App-re-ci-ate. Imperfections *Smiling like a lunatic* (At this point, a twitch I have been dealing with, which my doctor says is a lack of potassium in my body, decided to present itself...)

Interviewer:   Your eye is twitch-

Me:   YUP!!!

Interviewer:    Ok. Well anyway, you seem a lot like an onion, would you agree?

Me:       If that's what I am then I mean I am that then I guess?

Interviwer:   I meant like Shrek. Get it?

Me:    Except I'm not an Ogre... *More hysterical laughing*

I didn't get the job...

I have an Office Max interview coming up in Saturday. Hopefull I don't twitch or stutter or discuss my hair color in depth or the travel habits of my seat partner in high school spanish during this interview... Needless to say, I will be watching no DeadKevinSketch videos before hand.

The Talk

Spoiler Alert.
This post is about SEX so please, if you don't want to hear about my opinions on sex, DON'T CONTINUE READING!!!! But seriously, I think you're all over the age f 12 so we hopefully are all mature enough!!!

Why is everyone so afraid of the topic of sex?
In my friend's basement last night, we were debating about what Tom should write his next blog on. I offered the topic of sex. And instantly people felt awkward. Sorry guys, but I was serious. At the mention of the 'S' word, everyone laughed nervously and refused to comment on the subject. Is it because I'm a girl and your friend therefore you think we shouldn't discuss it? Well I know everyone thinks about it sometimes, even girls!!! I don't mean we need to go throwing the touchy subject around like its something to be proud of, but hey, its a part of life right? So here's what I think:

1. Sex is not that big of a deal, but its a much bigger deal than a lot of people think. When I say it's not a huge deal, I mean that it doesn't have to be something you need to contemplate enormously or over think or tell everyone about or preserve forever. Loosing your virginity can be this funny, awkward experience with someone you really love. And if you thought you loved them and realize later that you don't, ok. Don't sweat it kiddo. It happens, but you loved them at the time right? So don't let it get to you that much, you feel like you made a mistake, don't let it happen again, be safe and understand that it's a part of growing up. But it shouldn't be some one night stand, hook up thing that you just wanted to get over with. It's special, it should happen in a way that you can look back on and accept.
2. Everyone thinks about sex, girls, boys, teachers, sibblings, grandparents, so get over it. Let's try not to make it any more awkward than it has to be. My parents are always making jokes about sex to make me feel uncomfortable. But they don't succeed. Whatever, wait til I talk about sex, then whose going to be uncomfortable! But to tell you the truth, I doubt my parents will be uncomfortable when I talk to them about having sex. I know they want me to tell them when I come to that situation and so I will because I trust them and I want them to trust me. They are apart of my life, and I want to be able to let them know when I decide to take that step. Sorry if any of you think that's weird but I tell my parents pretty much everything. And I know they will support me in that decision.
3. But just because I want to be open about sex, doesn't mean I want to go out and grab the next person I see and tap them like a maple tree. I want to be in love with that person, and for me that means waiting until marriage. I am a pretty indecisive person, as I have previously mention. So I think it would suck to be in a relationship with someone, decide I'm ready for sex, then relaize I hate their guts. Most guys I have dated I end up disliking in the end and we stop talking. Or just grown apart. And I wouldn't be comfortable then, knowing that I gave them suchj a huge part of me only to have it end up being so meaningless.
4.  But hey, I'm indecisive, so who knows how it'll happen. I say now that I want to wait until marriage, but I also said it should be with someone you really love. And I don't believe in one true love. I have loved many people in different ways, so who is to say I won't love someone even if I don't marry them? Then isn't it ok? I think so. Since I don't love anyone right now, I can't say. But if in 5 years I meet someone and we're together and love each other, would it be such a sin to physically show that? I don't think so. But you can feel free to disagree (I'm a poet and I didn't even know it).
5. Your sexuality is between you and your partner. That said, it's good to talk about it with people to an extent, just to be sure you're being safe and open. But don't listen to anyone who wants to tell you it's a sin to have sex outside of marriage. What you choose to do is your decision only, and you need to be on the same page as your partner. John 4:7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. So it is right to love, of course.

 "Sex, life, healing, nature magic." That's love. I choose to love completely and unconditionly in life. That involves sex. So there. I said it. I'm not afraid of it, I'm willing to talk about it, and I understand what it means and the maturity that has to come along with it. So for anyone who doesn't agree with me, that's totally ok. I just wanted to expand in the subject, because it's something that should be open for communication. I want to be in love with someone, not because of sex, but because I want to be apart of someone and I want someone to be apart of me. I'm excited for it to happen. Love is just beautiful. And I can't to experience it!

These pictures are from my favorite movie, Beginners. And it's about falling in love. Maybe I'm childish, but I think the idea of falling in love and everything that goes along with it is exciting. Ewan McGregor plays the perfect guy. This movie portrays my secret longing to fall in love with a guy who talks to his dog and is working on creating balance in his life that involves the help of a girl who is a lot like me... you should watch this movie.

Melanie Laurent is just straigh up goegeous.

Beautiful. Romantic. Loving. Happy.

I just love this picture so freaking much. I want to fall in love.

Oh dear, this movie displays the exact kind of love I want to have...

Tonight. And Every Night Before...

"I've got a perfect body, but sometimes I forget. I've got a perfect body, because my eyelashes catch my sweat."

I want to stop thinking. About everything. I left the party and I'm alone with my thoughts. But that's better than being around everyone. I'm a people person, I love my social time. But right now, I have to distance myself and be around others who I'm not as close with. Casual talkers and listeners. Instead of being with the people I have been surrounding myself with lately. Because I'm going to be honest, I'm at the end of my rope. I can't do this anymore. What did I get myself into? I let myself get pulled in. And now I'm stuck. What do I call them now? 'Friend' seems to casual a word. We all know that we are closer than that. Too close maybe. Can't they see what this is doing to me? Any of them? I'm holding this in even though I don't want to see anyone anymore. But I have to. I have the movie. I have to be there for people. But really, all I want is to not talk. I want to be done being open. I'm sick of over communitcating. I'm sick of being in the middle. What else can I do for any of them? I can do no more. Really. If it were simple enough that I could help them all by sitting and just spending the night. Or just being around them. That my presence could help wash away all the bad things. To make them all feel clean and new but that doesn't seem to work with any of them. I listen. I talk. But it's just not enough. So please, if any of you are reading this, realize that its killing me. I feel like all we do is talk in circles and over communicate and I want it to end more than anything. I want to go back to May. Back to April. So let me off the hook, tell me I can go home when I want now and I can breathe and I can smile around them all. Let me off the hook and tell me that I don't have to do this anymore. That they can work things out and we can all get along like we did then. But they just won't let me help. And they don't even see that. I can't do anymore whispers. I can't do anymore texts or voicemails at 4 in the morning. I can't do anymore car rides. Or I might collapse. I'm falling apart. And I'm seeing him soon and I don't think I want him to see me like this. I don't know if I want him to see them like this. When we are so close to ripping each others' heads off. Tonight, I just couldn't be around them. And so what can I do for them? Again, nothing. So don't do this to me. I won't let it happen anymore. It's no longer up to any of them, it's in my hands now. And I will always be there for them. Always. I jsut won't do this anymore. This sneaking and lying and talking behind someone's back and gossiping and talking in circles and getting nowhere. It only adds what I don't need to my life. I have other plans. I have another life that they all aren't apart of. They aren't involved in that part of me. Because none of them care enough to be. I feel like I do so much for them. I go to their parties, their band concerts, everything and more, don't I? Because I'm their friend. But I had one thing. One thing that was important to me. And they said they'd come and not one of them showed up. So yes. I'm feeling a little resentment now but please, give me one reason why I shouldn't. Is it to much to ask for them to come to one event? The worst part is, they don't even realize they did it. This isn't fair. But I continue to be here for them. And I always will be. But here's the thing: I'm not them. I'm me. And I like me. Others like me. Sometimes I forget my potential, but I never forget the people who really love me. So maybe I need more with those people, the ones who came that night. I know that's what is right for now. Until this all blows over. Because I'm worth more than what how I'm being treated. Like I'm so much younger than all of them, like I'm naive and innocent and I don't know the troubles they face. Because I've been here at least, and maybe I haven't faced exactly what they are going through but I try? If you don't want to except my help, why ask? I realize this post has taken a turn for the worst but please, like I said, I can't take it anymore. I have to remove myself from this becasue it's making me miserable. I'm tough, I've been through a lot, even if they refuse to believe that. I just don't open up my immediate problems as easily as they all do. But maybe if they had bothered to come that night, they would have learned a lot about me. That was supposed to be one of the best nights in a long time. But I won't let their complete absences ruin that memory for me, I did great things that night, and I'll continue. But I don't need them to do it. They aren't everything. Because they don't realize that I have a lot more layers to me than they have seen. I only show so much. But I don't forget who I am. Or what I value about myself. And since this all has happened, I've grow so much, whether they see it or not. I don't think they know me well enough to see a difference, but its there. Because now I won't forget that I have a perfect body, you know why? Because my eyelashes catch my sweat.

I'm me, with or without them. I want to help them, I want to continue to be there but there's only so much I can do still. But all I ask, is that they wise up and see what they're doing.





I'll be here when you want to talk about things, don't forget that.

But I'm not little. And I'm a hell of a friend. So see that.

Kelly out.

All The Things That I Can't Say

"Dear Love,
I miss you much."

My letter that says everything I can't say.

Dear Love,

It's been a while since I've been in love. Or loved anything. I was starting to think I had lost that part of me. I've been quite happy lately. But missing something. I haven't been loving life. I haven't been loving much of anything. What scares me is that doesn't bother me. Really. I've never been in love with a person. That's what I say when the conversation comes up.

But then there's you. And when I hear certain lyrics, lyrics that we've talked about together, I can't help but think about you and what we could be. What we won't ever be. Because we are so distant. In every way. And I'm inconsistant and we both act uninterested. But when we're alone together in your basement, don't you feel so comfortable, and happy? And, yeah things get awkward and I laugh myself to tears. But then we talk about things, we talk about nothing to avoid actually talking about something. And you make me feel so great when I'm with you. Like I'm at an extreme high point in my life. We're unbeatable, a great team. And you don't let me in, which only interests me more. But then I go and act uninterested or indifferent about how we haven't talked in a month. Then, all of a sudden, you come back into the picture and it's like nothing ever happened. I try to one up you by ignoring you next time. But that only hurts me more than you. Neither of us have troubles getting dates, I think that must sound overly confident but it's true, isn't it? But I've been single for a while because I can't make up my mind. I'm indecisive. .


So what are we going to do? I'm going to see you in a few weeks. Or will I? Because things always seem to interfere. I remember hearing from a third party how much you talk about me. And pretending not to care. Waving my hand like I thought it was no big deal. We still hung out. And I laughed. And nothing happened. Like always. But do I want anything to happen? We both know it would ruin a lot of things if it did. So it doesn't. It never does. It never will. Even if we both want it to. Because we are both smart people. And we both screw things up.


But you don't even know what you do to me, do you? You have me in a corner and I cant back out. Because I'm intersted in what you have to say. I want to know so much more about you but we act so causal. I don't want to be more invested than you. And to tell the truth, I don't even know you that well. Even while talking to you, I'm not any closer to knowing you. I'm curious to say the least.


So I'm already preparing for when we see each other next. I'm excited, I'm nervous. But I'll act so calm and distant. I can't even explain how dishonest that is, because I'm so intersted. And I can only say that honestly here, typing. Becasuse I know you're not going to read this. Other people will, and they will ask me who this is about. And maybe I'll tell them. Because I've never told anyone how I sometimes feel about you. Ever. Not even my best friends. Because I truly am confused about you and how I feel. I forget about you when you aren't around and sometimes you are constantly on my mind. So I just keep it to myself. Not because I'm ashamed or embarrassed, but because what's the point? I'm old enough to know most things don't work out in this situation even if I were to decide for sure that this is what I want. We'll be friends, we'll always only be friends. On and off though, because we both have other lives and everything. A few things in common won't get us anywhere. But it's a start. So I'll be your friend, even if it means getting hurt. Because I can't always get what I want. But I love talking to you. So it won't stop. And instantly when I met you, I knew that this would probably happen. And I have no idea how you really feel. Scratch that, I think I know how you feel. I think you feel the same way I do. That how we are now when we are together, what ever that is, that is all we will ever be. Sucks, huh? But in a way, that's ok.

So. Let it rain.  Because these are all the things I that I can't say. But now its said (or written I guess?). I feel better. At least you know how I feel. That if one day we can be more, I might like that. But if not, ok. Our timing was never prime.

See you soon.

Love always,
      Me

Birds in Boxes

Birds in Boxes and Boxes of the Best Things
I used to keep a dead bird in a box, hidden away from my family's prying eyes. It made me feel better when I was sad.

 This week, I got a new pair of TOMS shoes. They are red and unfortunately, a size too big.
"Do they fit? Please try them on." My Dad pleaded.
Nope, I took the tags off too early, thinking I knew better. I don't.
Now I have a pair of shoes that hurt, but its a good kind of hurt. As I lay down in bed with the intention of sleeping, the box that the shoes came in is right at my eye level, constantly reminding me for the past few days of the One For One policy because I'm too lazy to take the box to the recycling. What if I need that box? I want to keep it with all of my other shoe boxes that I have saved in case I need them one day, plus its a box, why would I get rid of it? Plus it has a good little reminder written on it! Sidenote: I do find use for a shoe box at least once a year!


I kept a dead bird in a shoe box for a while when I was a kid. One summer, I found a oddly large number of abandonded baby birds in our backyard all within weeks of each other. one of them ended up drowning, one died in its sleep, one choked, and another was found mangled and bloodied to my confusion and horror as an emotional 12 year old. But James, a yellow finch was my favorite. He lasted outside in my old shoe box through two storms! It was his home, complete with a water bowl filled with marbles so he wouldn't drown like a previous one, food that was so miniscule in size it would be nearly impossible for him to choke on, and it was high enough that he couldn't jump out and to his death. I thought after all my practice I would be a pro at raising this bird in a shoe box. But he died. He stopped breathing and all I could do is watch him. I couldn't help, and he died. I just sat and watch this go on for a few minutes before it finally ended. Then I took the shoe box and placed it on the side of our house, placing tarp over it. For a good two weeks, I would go out and stare at my dead bird. Bugs crawled in and out of its skin, it smelled like old people and skunks and it was probably a little weird looking back on that now. But when I think of that summer, a remember the birds and how all the shoe boxes were Sketchers and Converse shoe boxes because thats what I wore then.And i kept things I loved in those boxes, in this case, a dead animal. I loved that bird. I couldn't let it go. I hated it for dying though. I had tried so hard for it, done everything to keep him alive. And he went and died anyway. In my hands for goodness sake. Ever since, I've had a habbit of keeping things I love in shoe boxes.

Now, my shoe boxes dispplay TOMS or Nordstrom instead of Sketchers. Boxes for high heals or sneakers or sandals. Boxes I use to keep pictures in, to store old papers and for projects. Some filled with broken jewlery or art supplies. So i took down this new box from my TOMS and looked at what I had put in it already.  Upon looking, I hadn;t realized it at the time, but I'd created a theme for my new box. In it was a movie ticket to see The Avengers, a recite from Goodwill from when my friends and I went to buy costumes for a movie we're making (a story from another time), and a visitor's name tag from when they all came to visit me in my art class after they had graduated.

I've been having a hard time lately, coming home to my house at the end of the day (or early morning) and not being around friends. Whether it be my close gang of girls or my beloved seniors, soon to be college freshmen. Its sinking in and I'm dreading their departure. They will go off and leave me. After I spent sop much time with them, tried so hard to do all I can to make these last months memorable. I want so bad for them to remember me when they leave me behind. But still, after everything they are going to leave. I can't hold them back, in fact, I'm excited to see how they change and grow while they're off, but I just wish they could pack me up and take me with so I can live under their beds or something...

And looking in the box made me flashback to my little bird, James. It was happening again. I was putting all my efforts into these people, like my beautiful bird. I'm doing all I can. But it will die, they will leave. And in the meantime, I'm packing them up in this box so I can go out and look at it when I'm feeling sad. I can swoon over these little things, keepsakes of a short period of time that I don't want to let go of. But eventually, I got rid of the box James was in. I set it out by our curb on a Wednesday morning and the garbage men took him away. And now I hardly think of him. So what if that happens with this box too?

Well I just can't let it. This isn't the same as my bird. I'm doing all I can for these people, yeah, and I love it. I'm here for them, and vice versa. I'm doing my best, thinking of others and trying to have a good time. Yes, they will leave, but maybe one day I'll look back on this summer and not break down and cry or be sad but actually be able to genuinly smile and be happy about it. Le Petit Prince. I didn't learn much from that bird, but I'm learning from these people, my best friends. So my box is symbolising what I've learned this summer. Here's what's in it so far:

1.) A baseball Michael and I found at the baseball feild on one of our runs. Importance: He inspired me that day to write a new short story. We talked a lot, it was invigorating conversation.
2.) A list we all made of the characters and their style for our movie. Importance: I'm so thankful that they are all helping me bring my vision to life, they are good people and it was a great day.
3.) Tom's visitor's pass. Importance: I'm glad they would come back into the school that they are officially free from during their summer to hang out with me in art class.
4.) A ticket to pur last school play together, You Can't Take It With You. Importance: it basically started everything.
5.) Avengers ticket stub. Importance: what a great movie and a great day with everyone, I conquered my fear of the Superman rollercoaster at six flags!
6.) My Grandmother's journal to her family. Importance: I learned a lot from reading this. Its a journal she kept notes in about being a mother and a wife and getting through family issues. She wrote in it to her future family and I will do the same. Nothing has gotten me more excited for my future as a mother and wife than this journal, its inspiring and motivational.

So thats all for now, but I hope to add to my box of wonders. Hopefully no dead creatures will make the cut though...

I, Joan of Algonquin

I, Joan of Algonquin...

Why do people have families? People fall in love and get married. They procreate, but why? To have more mouths to feed? To spend thousands upon thousdands of dollars that they could otherwise use for materialistic things? Or is it because its a sacred bond that ties two people together when they create a valuable life all on their own. This child (or children) is their legacy, not just in blood or name, but in values, right? Thats why people do it, to have the wonderful experience of raising a human being into adulthood, teaching them the ways of the world and passing on generations of experience, right? To populate the earth...?
Well that shouldn't be the case. What is normal in a family? What makes a family disfunctional or functional? Why do some families have that great bond, they are so close to each other and others are distant and continueously hurt each other? Why can't we all have the perfect balance like in Pride and Prejudice? Or in Everybody Loves Raymond? Or do we already have that, we just fail to see it? Growing up and visiting friends' houses, I have seen a lot of different families. Some I actually envy. But whose to say any family is better than another, or whats right and whats wrong when raising kids? You can only know what you want, and maybe, just maybe one day you will find one person who feels and wants the same as you do. Some one to balance you out, and someone who will project all good things onto a family of your own. We can only hope to be that lucky. But when it comes right down to it, everyone has difficulties when it comes to family. I'm talking blood related family here. No matter how wonderfully close and respectful and appreciative a family may seem, there is always something that caused them to be that way. And the same goes for the opposite; the families who seem a bit too disfunctional, abusive, or even just indifferent towards each other all have something that causes them to have become that way. I admire the families, meshed of great people, the kind of people you wish you could be, who take the worst things thrown at them and turn it into a strong bond that will forever hold them together no matter what the future holds. If you have ever wached the shoe Joan Of Arcadia, you know what I mean. If not please please watch this clip,  its a show about a girl who everyone thinks is crazy because she 'sees' god. But really, God does appear to her. Her brother got in a car crash and is now in a wheel chair. The dad has depression problems and is an athiest. But they are so close, agaisnt everything, they love each other and its the best show ever made. Watch it. Its off air and only had 2 seasons, but still.

So yes. Don't we all wish we could take our flaws, or problems and tragedies and turn them into blessings? I do, I'll admitt that I don't always do that, even if I want to, but I try, and often times I fail. Maybe I go about it the wrong way, but is there a right way? Is there a correct way for a family to act? All I can ask of my parents is to support me in what I do, give me food and shelter and a loving environment. Also, that they give me a reason to someday want a familyof my own. But when bad things happen to good people, thats a little too much to ask for all the time. People do one of two things in tough times, they close off from each other, they blame each other and never get anywhere. Or they connect somehow, in  a way that doesn't really make it ok, it just makes the difficulties easier. I can't change what my family is; we are a mix quite definitely. We act both ways at different times, and maybe I'm selfish or ungreatful, but I wish we could turn things to our advantage easier. I wish God would come to me in the form of a punk skater kid and tell me to by a lamp from a garage sale which would create a chain of events that makes everyone around me find hope and comfort in each other. But I don't think that will happen, I'm not in a tv show. But why can't I be more like Joan? More tolerant of my differences with the rest of my family? Why can't I be more hopeful, I like to consider myself a selfless person, but there has to be more I can do, if not for my immediate family, then maybe at least for others. Why can't I help others struggling with their family's way of coping in the face of trouble step aside and see a lighter version of the problem? Why, why, WHY?! Because I'm not trying hard enough. Plain and simple. So try harder. I, Joan of Algonquin will do my best to complete the task at hand, my mission not only relating to my faith, but also to my obligation as a person to help others as well as myself. I'm not a saint, but I'm not worthless, I can help in my own way. Even if that just means eventually having good natured children that I can release into the world in the far and distant future. Thats why I think we should have families. Not to make ourselves any less lonely, or becuase its just the next step in your life. But because you have a belief, you have faith strong enough that it led you to do what is right throughout your whole life, it brought you into positions where you can really help another person, and now you can instill that into someone of your own blood, someone that you can fully love without any conditions, you can give that child a good home, love, and morals that will guide them to help others. And I can only hope that I'll have the coping mechanisms of a saint, that I may use any misfortune as an opportunity to relieve sorrow from others and to bring my own future family closer, because family is a sacred bond, it should be a bond that ties you together forever. Its the marking of real love, its the greatest gift you can give to someone, but it comes with a challenge. A challenge that we need God to help overcome, a challenge God wants us to overcome, thats why we can have families in the first place. So lets all, channel our inner Joans.